A Paranoid Mom’s Guide to the Flu Season

I’m totally paranoid about flu season. Sometimes if you don’t laugh you are going to cry. It is in that spirit that I bring you my guide to making it through the flu season. *wink*

Grocery shop at home. The beautiful thing about grocery shopping online is that the groceries come right to your door. Win. Plus, no cart germs. My daughter sometimes licks the cart. You guys. I can’t. The only problem with this is you will have to avoid the delivery guy just in case he could be a flu carrier. If he makes you sign for your groceries make sure you have a disinfectant wipe in your pocket so you can clean it first.
Protect the house – Your house is your bunker. Close all windows and put down all the blinds. Cover the windows with weather proofing plastic. Cover the doors too. Replace all light bulbs with UV light bulbs to help kill bacteria – this includes your flashlights. You can’t be too careful.
Set up a Lysol spray station every time you leave or enter the house. You know those movies where someone is in contact with poison and they have to clean off really fast. That’s you every time you leave the house. Tip: Cover your eyes. Another tip: Before your kids enter the house hose them off first for double protection.
Avoid all public places until April. This includes the grocery store, as discussed above, church, school, work, the mall, any restaurants. Just stay home. Don’t leave. If school and work wonder where you are just let them know you will return after flu season. This is totally reasonable.
Follow all the news outlets. Make sure you read every article about the flu, especially the ones where people die. This will help you keep your focus on protecting your family. This will not make you more paranoid.
Disinfectant Wipes on Everything…and Everyone. Say you have a play date. You’ve overcome your paranoia for just a day and your friend hasn’t been sick so you figure it is going to be okay. You arrive at her house. Step 1: Disinfect the doorbell and doorknob immediately. Maybe even the whole door. Seriously it helps her too. Step 2: When she opens the door it may be that she wants to give you a hug. You aren’t going to be able to disinfect her whole body so focus on the contact spots. She’s not going to notice and it won’t be weird at all. If you are about to shake hands grab a wipe out of your pocket and quickly get her hand before shaking it. Act totally normal. Step 3: Follow your child around and anytime they are about to touch anything disinfect it first. Disinfect them too. While you are at it you might as well just take care of the other door knobs in the house too. Tip: Ask your friend to help. It is her house
Garlic everywhere. Hang some in the house and in the car. Carry some in your pocket even. Hand it out to people. It doesn’t smell. Garlic is the new rabbit’s foot. Everyone is going to want a clove.
Gear up. Everyone in your house needs the following equipment: Welding Mask with the plastic shield down & Gloves. The thicker the gloves the better. This is war. Wear it all the time. You can take it off at bedtime at your own risk.
Conversation tip – If you have to talk to someone face the opposite direction. You don’t want to inhale the contagions they are exhaling. Reminder: You should be wearing your gear from #8 as a double precaution. If for some reason you aren’t wearing your gear, stand as far away as you can to be just out of earshot and then take one step toward them. Learn to talk louder.
School – Your kids must wear their protective gear from step 8 or a hazmat suit. There is no alternative. Hand out flyers to all their friends so they can do it too. Maybe you can buy gear in bulk! Pack disinfectant wipes in their bags. Teach them about #4 and how to apply it to their school day.