I’ve been growing closer to God lately and frankly, it’s been rather painful. Is that ok to admit? I mean I wouldn’t change it… except maybe make it less stressful and a smidge more fun and perhaps happen more quickly. Except for all that it’s been a really great experience.
Why is it that drawing close to God doesn’t happen like I imagine it would? In my mind I think drawing close to God should happen while I’m resting peacefully in a field of wildflowers, by a babbling brook, while in deep, deliberate prayer. Or maybe after reaching the summit of a really challenging hike and stopping to meditate. I imagine it happening when the world is quiet and lovely and I’m breathing deeply and there is a gentle breeze blowing and birds singing sweetly.
Instead, I find that I grow closest to God when I’m feeling stressed or helpless or overwhelmed. And when I find myself feeling stressed AND helpless AND overwhelmed all at once? Well, it’s like magic trifecta and I can’t help but be pulled into Him. Not so much like a child running to the welcoming arms of a loving Father, but more like a Lego being sucked into a vacuum.
Right now we are in the final stages of adopting Miss Moxie. Nothing at all has happened to threaten that end result but several minor things have happened to delay it. I want so desperately to have this part complete. I want so desperately to make her ours, officially. I want so desperately to be done with home visits and CASA visits and team meetings.
I want so desperately to drop the “foster” and just be Mom.
And do you know what I am able to do to help move things along? Nothing. Nada. I am forced to just sit here and wait. I cannot write a letter or give a speech or make a plea to any person to affect a change. There is no judge to beg, no case worker to harass, no lawyer to question. There is just me, here, waiting.
And since there is no booty that I can light a fire under, I find myself turning to God. It’s not even a deliberate decision, really. It’s just my default right now. I am in a place where I NEED Him and He is nearly tangible to me. I have been here before and when I made it through to the other side, I looked back at this place affectionately. I recall in the years after our son’s adoption was final, thinking how amazing it was to have had an opportunity to have been forced to rely on God. I actually missed this?
So is it possible that these feelings of stress, helplessness, and being overwhelmed aren’t horrible things? That maybe my idealized vision of what drawing close to God looks like is way off target? That maybe I am able to get closer to Him when I’m crawling dog tired, sweaty, and thirsting for Him than when I’m running to Him with polished toenails, a huge smile on my face, and hair blowing in the wind? Maybe.
I’m grateful for the experiences I have had that allow me to recognize that this stinky season is actually pretty sweet. I feel like a scared little girl, not wanting my dad to let go of the bicycle seat and yet wanting so badly to learn to ride the bike on my own. I hope I am able to keep reminding myself that although this season feels scary, I am in the very safest place. His arms.
Read more of Abbie Mabary’s contributions to allmomdoes here.
