Far too many marriages have been divided by pornography, a bane of society which has spread to countless homes and destroyed the well being of untold men, women and children. This reprehensible virus is deadened when brought into the open air of conversation, and this is never more true than within the precious realm of marriage. But when is such conversation warranted? I address this question in addition to relevant topics of discussion and the need for prayer.
When Are Conversations About Pornography Needed?
This is an important question, because it immediately gets to the heart of the matter, namely starting the conversational process as early as possible. A primary reason is associated with the prevalence of pornography use by men and women, and the likelihood that one or both spouses has viewed or been adversely affected by such content in their lifetime. Consider the following data on pornography consumption:
- 55% of married men say they watch porn at least once a month.
- 25% of married women say they watch porn at least once a month
- 93% of boys and 62% of girls were exposed to pornography before 18.1
This information presents a legitimate basis for spouses having discussions about the realities of pornography and ways to guard against it in their marriage. In a sense, it would be remiss and potentially very damaging for a couple to remain silent on the issue when considering these percentages of use. Dr. Samuel Perry affirmed this notion in a recent interview where he was asked why porn use is associated with negative relationship outcomes:
“The issue is perhaps not so much that porn use changes people but that couples don’t talk about it and perhaps hold different opinions on it. So, it becomes a tremendous source of tension and conflict.”1
Spouses who begin to openly share their thoughts and opinions about pornography, and other factors surrounding it, prevent it from becoming a taboo subject within their marriage. And when they approach one another in a loving and respectful manner, they reinforce their ability as a couple to talk about the subject openly, and help to establish the emotional safety and trust between them. That safety and trust may be needed, now or in the future, if one member has to be honest about an ongoing struggle with pornography.
What Should Couples Talk About?
Pornography is a complex issue, however certain related topics carry a level of prioritization compared to others in my estimation. A few of these include:
- Culture: The prevalence of use, how it affects and shapes a society, how it alters someone’s view of the opposite sex and human sexuality in general, etc.
- Accessibility: How people are accessing pornography, how often, and how to prevent accessibility for both adults and children.
- History of Usage: Has either member been exposed to pornography in their lifetime and how often? Is use of pornography a current struggle for either member?
- Establishing Support: Identifying, carefully considering and listening to what both members need to feel supported in their discussions of pornography, and talking through external means of support, conversation, and information (i.e., organizations like Betrayal Trauma Recovery, Prodigals International, Restoring Hearts and Fight the New Drug).
These subjects provide a foundation for ongoing discussions about pornography, and my encouragement to women who are thinking of raising the subject with their spouse is to approach it from a stance of courage versus fear. What do I mean? There is always the potential that doing so may feel awkward and intimating, or create some level of conflict between a husband and wife.
As a result, venturing forward requires a conviction that says, “I’m not backing down in spite of how I feel, and I will face the issue with my spouse at whatever level is necessary (e.g., One on one conversations, speaking with trusted friends, or meeting with a counselor trained to deal with pornography use and addiction). It also requires ample time in prayer.
Taking Time to Pray
Pornography is a spiritual issue reflecting the sinful and often abased nature of our human condition; and it cannot be effectively addressed from a practical perspective alone. Notice what the apostle Paul tells us about this:
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:10-12)
From this view, conversations about pornography are really about a greater spiritual endeavor, which is why it is so essential to pray before moving forward. And in that regard, we should pray not only for ourselves, but for our spouse, our children and our nation. We must also remember that God is with us and we never have to face this or any endeavor alone.
References
- ElHage, A. (2016). Pornography Use & Relationship Quality: An Interview with Samuel Perry (Part 1).
- Covenant Eyes. (2018). Porn Stats.
RELATED:
Saving Your Marriage: How Wives Can Heal After Discovering Their Husband’s Porn Addiction
When Should Parents Talk to Their Children About Porn?
Parents, Children, and Needed Conversations About Pornography
Are Christians Afraid to Talk About Pornography?
Eric Gomez, LMFT, is the founder and therapist at Fulfilled Christian Counseling. See all of Eric’s contributions to allmomdoes here.
