I had a surprising conversation with a younger gal recently (I’ll call her Tina). She was bemoaning the fact that her mother had never nurtured her while she was growing up.
Tina was obviously very upset and angry. She felt that the lack of nurturing from her mom had caused her immeasurable pain and had ruined her adult life. Tina has never married or had any children. She believes that she can’t nurture anyone else because she has never received any nurturing herself. And, she feels this loss greatly.
I was shocked to hear her say she wasn’t nurtured because I know her mom and she seems to be a peaceful, sweet woman. I couldn’t imagine her not nurturing her kids. I know she loves them and I’ve always equated love with nurturing. The two go hand-in-hand, right?
Now, here’s the surprising part, I finally realized that what Tina was defining as nurturing was actually discipline and guidance.
I had never put nurturing and discipline together before. They seem to be two very different, even completely opposite, things. But, Tina was complaining about the fact that she hadn’t been “nurtured” in that way.
Sure, she had been given food, shelter and clothing. She had even, I’m sure, been loved. But, there were no boundaries set in place around her. Instead, she was given a lot of freedom and no real repercussions when things went wrong. Since no one was teaching her about cause and effect, she had to learn life’s lessons the hard way, through trial and lots of errors.
Now, wouldn’t you think that would be every child’s dream? It’s what they all claim they want: more freedom with no punishment. But, they don’t. Not really. Kids crave having set boundaries and firm lines drawn. They’ll fight you every step of the way (repeatedly), but they need it. And, (using Tina as a guide) they feel cheated when they don’t get it.
Tina is in her forties now and she is still suffering. She feels ruined by the fact that her mom was so lenient and seemingly uninvolved. She understands what most of us fail to: Discipline = Nurturing. She needed it, she wanted it and she didn’t get it. And, it has affected her entire life.
So, think of Tina the next time you discipline your children and they are yelling about how unfair and mean you are. Think about Tina when you’re exhausted and tempted to just let the kids do whatever they want to.
And, keep fighting the good fight, mom. Remind yourself when you’re disciplining (for the millionth time) that your child really does understand that it’s all a part of nurturing. They will never admit it, but trust me, they know.
RELATED:
We Can’t Control How Our Kids Will Remember Their Childhoods
You Can’t Parent with Grace if You Don’t Regularly Enforce Consequences, Too
Read more of Ann’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
