When my husband and I started our foster parenting classes, many of our biggest worries stemmed from concerns about our own children. We knew there was potential for growth in our children through being a foster family, but we also understood there would be some unique challenges. Before we had actual foster children in our home, in my mind, foster kids took on one of two forms: angels, who our kids would be devastated to lose, or demons, who would corrupt our precious babies. As it turns out, neither version of my imagined foster kids was accurate.
We began foster classes in 2012 when our kids were 4 and 6 years old. While we didn’t walk into it blindly, we didn’t have a ton of resources available at that time to answer our questions. My husband and I really didn’t know other foster families, so the information we found came mostly from the internet and the bit of training that we took to become licensed. Since then, I have found my best support comes from other foster parents in the trenches. There is really no one better to answer my questions than someone who is going through it too. Because of that, instead of me trying to answer a bunch of questions about what it’s like to be a bio child in a foster home, I decided to interview some experts in the field: actual bio kids in foster homes. Full disclosure, I also interviewed our son who was adopted. He is now one of us and his perspective is as valid as that of our bios.
I was able to interview eight different people ranging in age from 8 years old to early 20’s. The questions I asked them came from a Facebook post where I asked my community of friends “What questions would you like to ask bio kids in foster families?” The responses are real and raw, eye opening, heartbreaking, and encouraging.
When asked if they ever felt neglected or upset because their parents’ attention was divided, the answers were split down the middle. The general consensus was that it’s inevitable that with more kids in the home there will be less of mom and dad to go around. A few responders felt that they occasionally had to miss out on activities because of having extra kids in the home. However, most kids seemed to understand the reason behind it and no one seemed resentful for it.
I asked them if they ever found it difficult to accept new children into their home. All but one said yes. This came as a surprise to me because my kiddos have always seemed to welcome new children with open arms. This tells me that they are good at putting on a happy face, even if their hearts and minds are a little wary. This makes me feel both proud of them and a little sad for them.
Many people wanted to know if the bio/adopted kids ever felt threatened by foster kids in the home. The majority of the responses indicated that they really didn’t. One responder did tell a story of an older child who lived with them for a little while who likely suffered from mental illness. Sadly, this was before mental illness got much attention and this kid didn’t really get the help he needed. He acted out and was sometimes violent. She never felt personally threatened but always made sure her dad or older brother was nearby when she was around him. Many of the kids I interviewed admitted to having been exposed to behaviors they wouldn’t have otherwise experienced if not for having foster kids in the home. The majority of those responses had to do with foul language.
I asked them how they felt when foster kids left their home. Not surprisingly, most responded that they were sad. They become really attached over time and the absence of their foster sibling hurts. One really honest kiddo responded that they felt relieved. I understand that response too. Some kiddos mesh
really well with your family, others don’t. While I’ve been sad every time a child has left our home, there have been occasions that I also had a feeling of relief.
I’m so thankful for all the kids and young adults who took the time to answer these questions. I think when we are able to gain a little insight into what our kids are thinking and feeling we can help them process things better. I also think these people are some of the unsung heroes of the whole system. They share their home, their room, their toys, and their parents. They share their love and embrace these kids as their siblings, knowing they will likely have to say good-bye and that’s pretty remarkable.
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Read more of Abbie Mabary’s contributions to allmomdoes here.
