As I pulled away from the college tears started streaming down my face and doubts began to dance around my head. Would the things I’d taught my firstborn daughter be enough? Would she succeed in life? Would she stay true to her faith? How could I stay active in her life while maintaining the distance needed for her to become her own woman? Here are some of the things I’ve learned in the past few years that have helped me stay at peace in this process:
- My job as a parent had changed.
The hardest part of my child’s transition to collegiate life was how helpless it made me feel. I knew God had given me my child. She has continually proven to be one of the greatest gifts I could ever experience. However, she was now her own agent and beginning to experience life on her own. God had now given her the responsibility to direct and make her own decisions. I found that she was best able to thrive and gain the skills she needs to make it on her own by giving her the space she needed to grow into adulthood. Ultimately, I had to give myself the permission to watch her grow without a hands on approach.
- I still needed to be there for my child.
I want my house, and more importantly my entire life, to remain open for my children. When my child FaceTimed me, I tried to give her space within my week to talk. I found it best to empathize and communicate with her openly and honestly, really listening. Lecturing or simply telling her what to do and how to live, only served to bring resentment and push-back. I gave advice, but didn’t react harshly if she chose not to take it.Suddenly it came to my realization that our relationship was growing from control to influence. I had to understand that she would be influenced from many others besides me.
- Trust my child.
I realized I needed to give my child full trust and support, letting her forge her own path. I had to let go of the notion that she was a mini version of myself. Trusting her to make the right decisions allowed her more freedom even when that scared me. My faith and belief in her helped her mature. Together we set boundaries that were mutually agreed upon and respectfully discussed adult to young adult.
- Let my child learn from mistakes
“I was wrong. Please forgive me. I love you.” These are some of the best words I could say to my child or anyone else, for that matter. I practice saying these three sentences regularly. By using these words she knew I was not perfect. I knew she was not perfect. And we loved each other in spite of that. I often magnified my child’s mistakes and made them bigger than they really were. I needed to keep things in perspective. The father in the Prodigal son parable let his son learn from the consequences of his sin. He didn’t cover, hide, or rescue him, but let him come “to his senses” Since my child was young she may not understand the gravity of some of her errors. I was never afraid to gently speak up,if needed. I learned to correct her in love when I saw her taking a wrong path. This sometimes helped her reverse her course. Simply turning a blind eye may have robbed her of the opportunity to grow in the greatest way she could. I don’t know about you, but I have grown the most in life after making mistakes. Letting my child learn from wrong choices helps her grow too.
- Pray more
That first year of separation, I spent way too much time looking at “Find My Friends” app and fretting over what may be happening in my child’s life. Instead I should have spent more time on my knees praying for her. Spending more time with God helps us know Him better. Knowing God better, builds more trust in Him.Countless times God impressed on my heart to pray for her, and only later would I find out that she needed it that very week.
“…we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us…” Romans 8:26b
The closer I felt to my children, the harder it was to send them away. The more I came to know God, the easier it became.
That first year of separation, when life felt empty without my oldest at home, I struggled with this question, “Is God enough?” Or will this life, and all the beautiful gifts He freely gives “Never be enough for me?” I find myself wondering this now more than ever during this season of unrest and suffering. Hold your child closely, but freely let them fly away, for they do not fly alone. Watch them soar! Nothing can “… separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:39b. As we know now more than ever, our life is not in our control. But God is in control. And He is enough.
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Lisa Davis is a Children’s ministry Director at Alderwood Community Church. She enjoys talking, taking walks, reading, and hanging out with her family of six in the great Northwest.
