A few months ago, the world shut down. And this new life came with challenges, but overall my family fared well. My husband began to work from home full-time so we suffered no loss of income. Nobody in our family is immunocompromised so I didn’t have the added stress of fearing for our health. And my neurotypical, academically on-track kids settled into their school-at-home routine with more ease than I ever would have expected.
Sure, some days were hard. But overall, we had no room to complain. We were safe, we were healthy, and we were together.
Always together.
One thing you need to know about me is that I love spending time with my kids. And not in that “enjoy-every-moment” way. Because that’s not possible.
But my kids are people that I genuinely enjoy. They make me smile and make me laugh and help me see the world in a new way. They make me slow down and speed up and when we go somewhere together, it’s not just because I want to give the kids something to do. Often times it’s because I want to do it, and I want to do it with them.
{I’d wager that many mothers feel the same.}
But though I love spending time with my kids, I also think it’s important to admit: I can’t wait for the world to reopen and for them to leave again.
{I’d wager that many mothers feel the same about that, too.}
For me, I can’t do this working-mom thing well when they’re here full-time. Though I only work part time, I feel they get a divided mom all the time. Their needs become distractions. My irritation rises. Without the ritual of even online school, the summer days are endless voids that need to be filled.
Not with fun activities, though. Because…pandemic.
I also grieve what they’re missing out on. No sports, swim lessons, or camps. More months of nothing.
But more than anything, I miss seeing them thrive away from me. Waving as they run off into their classrooms, smiling as their teachers and friends welcome them enthusiastically, confidently owning a space separate from me. Building independence. Building confidence. Building trust with other adults and relationships with other peers.
Yes, I love spending time with my kids. But I also love the benefits they get from being away from me. Family time is great, and we’ve definitely enjoyed our fair share of that. But only family time isn’t necessarily good.
So whenever the world opens back up, I’ll celebrate. I’ll wipe away the tears that will undoubtedly come after being with them 24/7 as I realize that this unique season has come to an end. I’ll miss them, and there will probably be moments when I forget the frustrations and long for the scheduling simplicity of quarantine.
But I’ll still celebrate them leaving. Because I know it’s so, so good for them.
Mama, it’s okay to feel both. Motherhood is full of dichotomies. If you’re desperate for your children to get back to “normal,” it doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy spending time with them now. It’s not one or the other. It’s both.
And I know this to be true, because I genuinely enjoy spending time with my kids. But I also can’t wait for them to be able to leave again.
Do you feel the same?
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