Nearly nine months ago I wrote about how the uncertainty of the burgeoning pandemic had kicked my anxiety into overdrive. My constant hyper-vigilance morphed into a constant surge of adrenaline that started the moment I opened my eyes in the morning and continued until I fell into a restless sleep each night.
I was unfocused, irritated, and exhausted. And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. So instead of living miserably, I decided to talk to my doctor about trying an anti-anxiety medication.
Nine months later, I’m a different mom. It didn’t happen overnight; it’s not like a switch was flipped. And it wasn’t easy – it took five months and several different medications to finally find the right fit. Two weeks into the first round of meds, I felt amazing. I honestly had no idea where my anxiety had been showing up, and how free I could feel with it gone. Unfortunately, the side effects made it untenable for me to continue, but that first taste of freedom motivated me to stick with the struggle until I found a medication that worked well.
Here are the main differences I’ve noticed:
I enjoy my kids more. This is hard to describe unless you’ve personally experienced it, but I’ll try my best. Of course I’ve loved and enjoyed my kids up until now. But frequently there was an underlying sense of agitation or annoyance or worry or pressure. That is now gone. I can laugh freely at their childish antics, accept their failures without casting it into some distant future scenario, snuggle them when they plop next to me instead of wishing for some touch-free time, and just…I don’t know…delight in them for the people they are right now, in the current moment.
I’m less irritated. Like, a lot less irritated. And the issue here isn’t whether or not I lose it on my kids. {Of course I have. Everyone has.} But even when I was able to take the grown-up route and handle frustrating parenting situations with the appearance of grace, I still felt the irritation in my body. The tightness in the chest, the rising heat, the anger…and I hated it. I hated feeling that way towards my kids, even though I kept it to myself. Now, I don’t feel that same level of irritation. I can handle situations with my kids without having to simultaneously handle the feelings in myself.
My marriage is better. The whole “being less irritated” thing extends to my husband. I’m less annoyed by little things, less sensitive to unintended slights, and can laugh more. I don’t lie awake at night recounting all the things he’s ever done to make me angry. My husband has mentioned to me more times than I can count that I seem happier and less angry.
I fall asleep faster. I don’t lie awake obsessing over my marriage, nor do I lie awake envisioning all sorts of crazy awful scenarios that are going to happen to my kids or family, or panic with overwhelm about my never-ending to-do list. I’m so, so happy to have that part of my brain turned off.
I’m more focused at work. I’m a freelancer, so I live by deadlines. No matter how organized I was or how well I planned out my work, I always felt this underlying stress or sense of urgency about my workload. That’s gone so if kids need me mid-day the interruption isn’t nearly as irritating, and I find I can focus better and get things done more quickly instead of being easily distracted.
I don’t sweat the small stuff. I know this is cliché, but the little things are no longer the big things. I can allow myself to relax without being annoyed by the messy house, I can spend time with my husband and kids without worrying about work that’s undone, and I can hold my kids accountable for their actions without feeling guilt about it. I struggle less with body image. I don’t stress about money. I care less about people pleasing or what other people think. I don’t have FOMO or struggle with the comparison trap. I feel like I’m just free to enjoy my life as it is without all those silly mental complications {that I couldn’t control} getting in the way.
I could go on, but the bottom line is this: I’m a better mom and enjoy my kids more because I take medication. Do I wish I didn’t have to? Yes. Do I wish it could be fully managed with diet/exercise/prayer/meditation/self-care/CBD/essential oils/vitamin supplements/talk therapy/alone time/a girl’s weekend/_fill in any other natural remedy here_? Of course. But am I grateful it’s available and that I finally gave it a try? Absolutely.
I will say that medication isn’t perfect. I do still have some side effects on my current regimen {they vary for everyone}, but right now, for me, they’re manageable and the trade-off is worth the ease and enjoyment of life. And to the mama who’s struggling, let me say this: you deserve better. You deserve to enjoy your kids. If your mind is stealing the joy of your motherhood, it’s not your fault. Keep fighting for freedom from the lies.
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