When my first baby was born, it wasn’t financially feasible for me to stay home. Which was fine with me, because I didn’t have much of a desire to stay home anyway. Sure, putting myself together and trekking into the office after a short night was hard and there were days I wished I could sleep in and stay in pajamas. Pumping milk was a pain and I dreamed about how much easier it would be if I could just nurse my baby when he needed to eat. But despite my fantasies, I knew that staying home full-time would also be fraught with isolation and boredom. It’s certainly not the case for all moms, but I was never good with reading to my kids or engaging in imaginative play.
And so he went to daycare, where his physical needs were met and he socialized with other kids and he connected emotionally with his caregivers. He also got plenty of love at home and I didn’t feel I was missing out on any special moments and we made plenty of memories during my non-work hours.
Fast-forward seven years, and I quit my traditional job when life became too much with a school-ager and preschooler. Fast-forward six more years, and I’m now the parent of two solidly independent kids. They don’t need me to make them breakfast, pack their lunch, or do their laundry (though sometimes I still do each of those things). They can brush their teeth and put themselves to bed. They keep track of their own homework and wipe their own noses.
They sleep through the night.
Physically, I spend a lot less time parenting. And this year in particular I’ve been wondering if it’s time to head back to a “real” job. But as I’ve thought more about the possibility I’ve had a few reminders that just because I’m not “in the trenches” doesn’t mean my kids need me less. They need me differently.
They need me in ways that are much more difficult to outsource. They need help navigating social conflicts, getting through anxiety-inducing situations, and creating an action plan for backlogged homework that has them overwhelmed. And I don’t know if I’d do any of that well if I was balancing my own full-time workload outside of the home.
Am I saying all moms should work when their kids are babies and stay home when they’re older? Of course not. I believe working motherhood can be done well in any circumstance. And I understand that for many families staying home not feasible, and for many families it’s not the right choice even if it is feasible. What I am saying is that regardless of your circumstances, don’t let yourself believe that your parenting matters less as your child gets older. Don’t let up on the gas, remain intentional, and pay attention to their evolving needs.
Because the truth is they don’t need you less. They just need you differently.
