There is this difficult thing that happens because of tragedy and it’s the tension between the unraveling of a life in the midst of grief and the carrying on that is inevitable.
I experienced this when my dad passed away near Christmas time. I remember attending a Christmas event a few days after finding out. They are sporting their Christmas best and drinking egg nog and just happy. Everyone was having a great time and chatting and over and over again people would ask me, “How are you? I haven’t seen you in a while. How’s life?”
I couldn’t find the words to answer. Some people knew he had passed and some didn’t. It colored everything in my life. It was like a grief filter was applied. Grief changes you. I could not longer go forward without grief. Grief was now part of my journey forward. However, this same filter did not apply to those around me. That grief was now part of my story.
When we are forced to process a tragedy as great as what happened in Uvalde our hearts will be torn between the normal daily stuff feeling meaningless and trying to hold and process grief.
I haven’t found the perfect way to handle this tension but I think it’s important to acknowledge that it exists.
This morning I dropped my elementary kids off at school. I prayed over them as they walked away. I thought about their teachers.
Then I went to work. And I attended meetings. I am eating my Lean Cuisine pizza for lunch as I had originally planned. I am making my way through my normal to-do list.
In my heart I think of the mom who learned yesterday that she will never hug her child again. I think of the mom who feels guilty she is hugging her child. I think of the teacher that gave everything for her students. I think of the teachers that have to pick up the pieces.
Our lives aren’t the same. This event is part of our journey forward.
While I’m not a counselor or a pastor or really anything other than a mom right in the thick of it with you, I will tell you the things that I do think that help in moments such as this:
- Don’t hide your feelings. Struggle in the tension. Express the struggle. A coworker and I talked about how the ‘normal stuff’ felt weird today.
- Lean in to Jesus. He doesn’t leave during these moments. He draws near. The evil of this world is so hard to grapple with, but Jesus promises he never leaves us.
- It’s okay to scream out to God. He knows.
- One step forward. The next step. And then the next.
- Pray. And pray some more. Prayer is a conversation with God and it allows us to know what our next steps should be. Even if you are simply saying, “Lord, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel. Help.”
I just want you to know that you aren’t alone today. We are here with you. This is really hard. If you find yourself needing prayer we’d love to surround you. We’ve launched a new prayer platform! Please join us.
I think back to when I was in college and 9/11 rocked the nation. Time stopped for a moment. I think time has stopped today as well. As we go forward in the tension, I am praying over you and your children. The Lord knows our hearts are broken and that we are pleading with him today. I am clinging to Him, grateful that the evil of this world doesn’t have the last word, but knowing that even though that is true, today is still hard.
