A few weeks ago my husband took off on his motorcycle for a doctor’s appointment. An hour later I received the call every wife dreads, “Your husband has been in an accident and we’re taking him to Harborview Trauma Center.”
Life immediately changed.
I could write a book about our adventures after that call. It turns out that trauma centers are not warm and fuzzy places, and to walk in and see your loved one on a gurney with a battered body is not something I’d recommend. My poor husband was fighting to stay alive and the rest of us were fighting shock and grief.
We’ve been in quite a few highly stressful situations in our marriage. We’ve both lost our parents, we’ve had to deal with bouts of cancer, chronic illnesses, many surgeries and a DVT with a month-long coma, so I thought I was pretty well-equipped to deal with this latest catastrophe.
It turns out that every situation is different and calls for a different set of skills to handle. I may have gone through all those other things, but I had never gone through a broken husband in a trauma unit.
I have always said that the positive thing about painful situations are the things you can learn from them. Empathy is top on my list. This world is short on it, and I want more in my own heart.
Empathy is often learned from dark places.
Here are some things I’ve learned about being both the one in crises and being there for friends in crises:
Find Prayer Warriors. This was the first thing I did. I sent messages to all the people in my life that I knew would pray. I felt those prayers and at times they were the only things keeping me upright.
Forgive Yourself. I remember having a conversation with a friend some years back. Her husband was going through a very nasty cancer treatment. She looked at me sadly and said, “Ann, I can’t pray.” I told her, “It’s our time to pray for you.” That was true for me this time. My prayers were moans and utterings, I couldn’t form words. Having people pray for us made all the difference in the world.
Please Don’t Say It. I will never again say, “Everything will be fine.” Those words were like nails on a chalkboard. WILL everything be fine? How do you know? When you are battling a monumentally stressful time, having someone say that everything will be fine minimizes your pain and the anxiety you are feeling.
Don’t Ask, DO. I’ve been guilty of this. We all tend to say, “Tell me if I can do anything.” Rarely, if ever, will the person in crisis actually call and ask for help. Instead, just do something. My friends, Mike and Casey, taught me this. They would just call and announce what they were doing. It was heavenly. They visited Jerry in the ICU, they made and brought food, found and delivered medical supplies, and worked on the wheelchair ramp in the pouring rain. I didn’t have to ask for any of that, they just did it.
The Needs Can be Weird. When you are camped at the hospital every day, your house tends to fall apart. My friend, Shawn, was going through chemo and radiation when her friends came over and vacuumed her house. She cried with joy. Such a simple thing, but she’ll never forget it.
Cards or Flowers. If you’re far away, cards are a lovely gesture. Cards aren’t allowed in the ICU, but if you send them to the home address the caregivers can get joy from them too. The same goes for flowers, not allowed in the ICU, but later in the recovery process they sure brighten life up.
Just Anything. My sweet niece told me that she never knows what to do. I’ve found that just anything will do. There were days when a cookie or a coffee would have filled me with so much joy as I cared for my sweet man. My AMD sister, Stephanie, sent us a bouquet of fluffy, stuffed “flowers”. What a fun way to brighten someone’s day.
Grocery Shopping. My friend, Jan, simply asked what I needed from the store. She went out and bought the things on my list, plus some simple foods at the same time. Two roasted chickens provided us with meals and sandwiches for days. What a Godsend.
Unexpected Box. Debbie (here at AllMomDoes), sent us the most wonderful box of goodies. It wasn’t expected and it came on a day when I was so low I didn’t think I could go on. The box was filled with soup, rolls, honey, a soft blanket, etc. Her gift gave me the lift I needed to put one foot in front of the other.
Check Back. People are great about checking in at the beginning of a disaster, then life moves on and friends forget that you’re still suffering. I have certainly been guilty of this. I loved the people who kept checking in. They let me vent and gave my stress and pain validation.
Listen. Listening is a lost art. Few people stop thinking of the next thing they want to say and instead really listen. People going through hard times desperately need a listening ear. I want to practice doing that in a better way.
Don’t One-Up. The last thing people in crises need to hear is how much worse your neighbor’s sister’s co-worker has it. When my mother died someone actually told me she knew just how I felt because her dog had been injured. Yep, that’s exactly the same thing. Again, just listen.
Spoil Yourself. Being the caregiver to someone you love and seeing them suffer is the most stressful thing you can go through. It’s exhausting and there is no break from the pain. If the people around you can’t give you what you need, give it to yourself. I ran into a store to buy my husband easy on-and-off shorts while he is wheelchair bound. While there, I saw the fuzziest bright purple slippers. I threw them in the cart. Once we were finally back home, those crazy slippers made me smile. Likewise, I bought a cheap bottle of glitter nail polish while I grocery shopped. The twinkles from a quick application have brought me so much joy. I also kept thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a box of chocolates. Yesterday, after a stressful trip back to the trauma center, I zipped into a candy shop and grabbed a box for myself. Treat yourself well while you are going through hopefully the most stressful time of your life.
Grief and suffering don’t follow a logical path. What you or your loved ones will need will change on a daily basis. Just know that any gesture of love will be deeply appreciated and will help the healing in ways you never imagined.
Matthew 25:40
“Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did it for Me.”
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Read more of Ann’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
