I saw a meme the other day that caught my attention. It said:
Things to Stop Apologizing For:
- Having feelings/caring
- Saying no
- Asking for help
- People hurting you
- Having differing opinions
- Not wanting to hang out
- Not answering the phone
- Changing
- Putting yourself first
- Needing a break
- Other people’s actions
- Asking questions
It’s a weird concept to stop apologizing. It took a lot for me to learn how to do it in the first place.
I had way too much pride as a young person. To me, apologizing felt like a failure. Looking back at who I was makes me cringe. Why was I so hesitant to apologize?
In the next phase of my life, something changed and I learned how easy it was to say I was sorry. I began to apologize all over the place. I loved the free feeling it gave me.
I have apologized when people hurt me. I have apologized for things that weren’t my fault. I have apologized for other people’s actions. Apologizing became a central theme of my life. I was proud that I had become capable of saying I was sorry (even though the pendulum swung the other way and I was overdoing it a bit).
For me, apologizing is tied to guilt. I confess that I am a guilt sponge and I can feel bad about almost anything. I feel like I don’t do enough, or I don’t do it right, or I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Apologizing became a “Get out of jail free” card and I used it to cover all the things in life that I felt guilty about. Feel bad? Just apologize and everything will be fine.
One of my favorite blogs was written almost a decade ago by our Kristina. In it she talks about offering to give a friend a ride and then remembering that her car was a mess. She forced herself not to apologize. After all, what would she have been apologizing for? Being a mom? Living a busy life? Being real? (Read her blog here: Stop Apologizing For Your Mess)
Her words have stuck with me all these years and recently I’ve been trying to practice her philosophy.
Shortly before Christmas I was having a day. I was exhausted and I just needed a crash day. I stayed in my nightgown, skipped a shower, didn’t put on makeup or brush my hair. My neighbor knocked on the door with a plate of cookies. To be honest, my first reaction was to dive onto the floor and pretend I wasn’t home. I gave a sigh and opened the door anyway. I invited her in, and she sat and visited for a while. I sat there with my messy hair and unbrushed teeth and I forced myself NOT to apologize.
Again, what would I have been apologizing for? I’m sorry my life has been a collection of huge stressors and I really need this no shower day? Why would I be sorry for that? It wasn’t my fault life imploded a bit. Did my neighbor leave and tell everyone how weird the neighbor in the nightgown is? I doubt it and even if she did, why should that affect me? Shouldn’t I feel proud instead that I was taking care of myself?
I remember a story my mom used to tell. Her friend had a spotless home and one day she came over to visit our house. Mom was too tired to tidy up and when her friend walked in, she said, “Oh, thank God!” It turned out she was spending hours cleaning before my mom went to her house and our messy house gave her permission to stop doing that and to be real instead.
Think about all the things we moms feel guilty about. Our cars are messy, our homes are messy, we’re in perimenopause and we’ve put on weight, we feed our kids fast food on practice nights, the list goes on and on.
What if we stopped saying we were sorry? What if we decided to be real instead?
As Kristina said in her blog, getting started is difficult. I have to remind myself that I’m forging new ground. It feels awkward not to apologize for the shortcomings in my life. Sure, part of me would love to portray a perfect life. But what would that show others?
The truth is, I AM NOT PERFECT!
And that’s why I need a savior.
And instead of a showplace home, car, body, etc. that’s what I want to show the world, how much we ALL need a savior.
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:23
I will continue to apologize to God for my shortcomings and thank Him for providing me with a savior.
“ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
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Read more of Ann’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
