It’s a weird shift as a parent when your kids hit the teenager stage. Not that each stage doesn’t come with some sort of stress and confusion of how to exactly parent though it. When my son was about three, it seemed like almost overnight he suddenly became this wilder version of the person he had been. It was all very “normal” toddler/preschool boy behavior but in the midst of it, there were many days I wanted to bang my head on the wall over his behavior.
I can say that now when I see a little boy out at the grocery store running chaotically around the aisles, or anything that reminds me of my son years ago; I can’t help but smile a little thinking back on those days.
But here I am now in the parenting a teen stage. The shift didn’t happen overnight like I felt it did when my son was a toddler and suddenly became a bit wild. It was somehow more gradual, and I would best describe it as a constant walking on eggshells type situation.
The attitude, the thinking they know better than us, the hormones in general. It is a lot to navigate through. My 14-year-old son is inches taller than me with a voice that has deepened, and those two things alone have been a weird transition. There are times I look at him like he is still my baby, and I guess maybe that feeling will always be there.
There are moments when he is sweet and fun, and it seems like he might actually be enjoying spending time together. Then, crack, an eggshell breaks and it’s clear that either I have said something wrong or that he finds annoying, or he just plain decides he isn’t having fun anymore.
My son will retreat to his room at basically any opportunity he has. My 11-year-old daughter has not yet hit a pre-teen stage in this sense. She is still constantly wanting to be with us. I know my days are numbered here and I will soon enough have two teenagers in the house preferring to be in their rooms versus interacting with my husband and me.
The thing I am struggling with the most with my son is connecting with him.
I don’t know if it’s because he is a boy, but we seem to have very little in common with each other. My husband and he listen to similar music, have a similar interest in shoe collections and like the same types of movies.
Honestly, sometimes I get jealous of their relationship. That might sound silly but it’s true. Obviously, I am happy that they have such a good relationship, but I can’t help but get worked up sometimes and feel sad about our connection not being as strong.
Despite not really enjoying the same types of movies or music, I still jump at any chance I can get to watch or listen to something with him. If it’s something I am doing with him, suddenly I find myself enjoying it.
I was letting myself feel really frustrated several months back thinking about how I could strengthen our connection. Then I was given what I think is the greatest gift I could have imagined for he and I.
My son auditioned for a local Christmas parade to be a drummer. With his approval, I dusted off my dancing shoes and auditioned too. I thought if I were going to be driving him each night, I might as well also join in. We were both cast, and this led to 23 evenings performing together throughout the Christmas season.
PC: Stephanie O’Farrell
What a random and amazing experience this was. Even more amazing is that it really did bring us closer. We suddenly had this big thing in common that we were doing together. Even better, we were making some extra money as they were paid positions versus volunteer. I was over the moon about it and constantly relieved that he genuinely was having fun. With me! It seriously felt like a dream some nights.
The season ended and while I was partially relieved to have some hours back to my daily life, I was also really sad because it had been such an amazing experience with my son.
Within a couple of weeks, I was already feeling like that connection was staring to distance a bit. It got me thinking about how I can try to stay bonded to him while respecting that this is all very normal behavior and teenagers often do prefer their peers or their room over time with family.
Learning from moms who have been down this road before, I have gathered a few strategies that may help as I continue navigating this space as mom of a teenage boy and wanting to stay connected to him.
If you are in a similar boat, here are some tips I have gathered:
Lean into their interests. It doesn’t mean make their interests your interests and go overboard. It just means maybe know a thing or two about what they are into. My son is really into drums but it doesn’t mean I am going to learn how to drum. It means maybe I offer to take him to our local music store where he loves perusing around; just something to show I support his hobbies.
Use food. The other day my son was in a crummy mood when I dropped him off at swim team practice. When I picked him up, I was armed with McDonalds cheeseburgers and fries. It wasn’t to reward his crummy mood. I knew that if I brought him food he would be more likely to open up and tell me what was bothering him. It worked! It won’t work every time but food is often truly a way to get them to open up. For girls, I hear that Starbucks is a good spot to stop to get similar results.
Don’t push it. I have done this and it never works. I have gotten mad, frustrated, sad, you name it. But being dramatic that my son doesn’t feel like talking sometimes hasn’t shown to do any good. Sometimes they just don’t feel like talking. Simple as that.
Find commonalities where you can. My example of the Christmas parade was a big and unexpected one. But smaller examples might be to see if you can join your teen on a run once in a while if that is something they like to do. Do not push it and try to become their daily running buddy, unless they actually want you to. This is similar to leaning into their interests but is more around sometimes finding things you actually have in common.
Talk to them more maturely. Teenagers are vying for independence and they often think they know more than us. This can be annoying but I find when I really try to level with my teen, it goes a little better than when I treat him like he is 10 years old. But sometimes their behavior is very elementary, so this one can be difficult.
And, of course, lean on prayer and community to help. You are not alone.
Philippians 4:13 – For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
Isaiah 41:10 – Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
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Read more of Stephanie’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
