You’re putting in all the time to build strong family bonds and relationships. But there is a day coming when it will be time for your kids to launch. What should your parenting and family life look like when your kids become young adults? Mom of 4, Stephanie Harrison talks with allmomdoes podcast host Julie Lyles Carr about what she did (and wishes she didn’t do) to start preparing her kids when they were young for what family life would be like when they headed out into their own lives.
Listen to “#184 – Family Life After Launch with Stephanie Harrison” on Spreaker.
Interview Links:
- Listen to the allmomdoes Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes release every Wednesday.
Transcription:
Julie Lyles Carr: You’re listening to the allmomdoes podcast where you’ll find encouragement information and inspiration for the life you’re living, the kids you’re raising, the romance you’re loving and the faith you’re growing. I’m your host, Julie Lyles Carr. Let’s jump into this week’s episode.
I have the distinct privilege of introducing you to a friend and we’re peers, but she’s awesome. So kind of a mentor of mine. If you can have peer to peer mentoring, I would definitely say that’s what’s going on. Stephanie Harrison has had quite the varied life. She’s lived a bunch of different places.
She has four kids who are now all grown and her wisdom in the way that they, she and her husband developed family culture, how they’re continuing to forward, you are definitely going to want to hear this. Those of us who are in the throws of building families, trying to maintain those connections.
Stephanie, thank you so much for being here.
Stephanie Harrison: Thanks for having me, Julie. I hope I can give you some do’s and don’ts maybe from how we did it.
Julie Lyles Carr: You know, sometimes talking about our mothering journeys is a place of, wow, here’s how we did it. And sometimes it’s just a cautionary tale Stephanie. That’s what we have the best offer.
Stephanie and I, our paths have crossed in multiple ways through the years. Our brothers are very dear friends in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Stephanie and I for a period of time lived in the same city, and it’s just amazing all the connections that we’ve had. You know, Stephanie, one of the things that I’ve always noticed about you from the very first few meetings that we ever had when we got to meet up, is what an intentionality, you and your husband Alan have put together when it comes to your family. Was that something that you, when you began a journey of having a family with your husband, was that something that you really felt like you had a pretty good grip on? Was it something you kind of felt your way through and, and how does family background tie into?
Stephanie Harrison: Oh, that’s a good question. I think it’s probably some of both my, my parents, the family I grew up in were very intentional about a lot of things. Um, they raised us very differently than they had been raised. I like to say in some respects they changed their stars. They’re both, my mom and dad are very different than their siblings and very different than the homes that they were raised in. Good homes, but just very different, and they purposed, um, early on to learn more and to be better. And so I was aware of that as a child, that they were doing it differently on purpose. And so I think when I was becoming a mom, I had the same intentionality that I will do this even better. And the truth is Julie, I hope that all four of our children do it even better.
I want them to be purposeful. That said, There’s just so many things that, you know, you think I got this covered, I got this covered and I got this covered. And then guess what? That wasn’t enough. There were all things that needed to be covered or needed to be we needed to be intentional about. And I think for Alan and I really coming to the marriage from, well, we both came from very strong Christian homes, we both had a desire to, um, have Christ be center in our home, in our marriage, but also in how we raised our children. And so that was an easy sort of starting point to the common ground, if you will. And then between the two of us, I think I’m just more wired to be purposeful, intentional. I think things out to sort of they’re extreme end, and, um, and he’s, he’s better at living in the moment and I’m more like, but if we do this, that might happen. And he’s been an amazing, just amazing dad to our kids. And I think, um, you know, in God’s wisdom, a good counterbalance to me and, um, and I hope vice versa that I’ve been a good counterbalance to him.
And, um, I don’t know, um, for his family, how he grew up, uh, how purposeful his folks were, but his parents grew up in the church, but would tell you that they did not come to know Christ until they were adults, and Alan was a tag along. He was an oops, a surprise. So his brother and sister 10 and 11 years older than he is.
And then he came along. So he kind of almost grew up in a separate family from his siblings and he got different parents, um, from his siblings. And, um, I think in a lot of ways it was, it, it worked out really well for Allen. And, uh, and was a good thing. Uh, his brother and sister, and, uh, became followers of Christ kind of the same times that our parents did, which I think was probably around early teen years for them, and then Alan was six and, um, sort of this big family change where they went from being church attenders to followers of Christ.
Julie Lyles Carr: Right, right. You know, I think that that generational piece is so interesting because I have people in my world who they themselves were raised within the con the context of a Christian home.
And they, then I also have friends who were not. And Stephanie what’s becoming interesting to me is I see parents who are trying to provide a Christian home and they see their kids going adrift and they’re really beating themselves up, even though they feel like they’ve tried to raise them in a Christian home.
Then I have people who were not raised in a Christian construct and really go seeking for a spiritual platform upon which to build their lives. So my question to you is how do we view raising our kids in a Christian home with the purest of motive and not a sense that it’s going to completely seal the deal because the reality is our kids have to walk into their own faith journey at some point.
And for us, a lot of us, myself included, there were things that I thought if I just purchased enough of the Christian, you know, kid entertainment, videos, and if I only have this kind of music playing, and if we did all these different rhythms throughout the day, that that would ensure that my kids would walk in a certain way with a certain intensity, with a certain devotion and yet we know that while those things can be important, they aren’t the guarantee. So from the background that you come from, and then in the parenting that you’ve tried to instill, how have you created a balance if you will, of really doing what you can to instill faith, and yet at the same time, allow your kids, particularly as your kids, all four of your kids now are into adulthood? You know, at some point it’s gotta become their story. Not, not ours.
Stephanie Harrison: That’s it. That’s a really good question. It’s something, um, I did think about, I think scripture gives us a couple of examples of exactly what you’re talking about. Sort of these great men of faith whose children are complete disasters. Eli in scripture…
I mean, you know, you just start, you start thinking about people, you know, you’ve got a high priest and then his sons go completely off the rails. And I, I knew I didn’t want that. And I knew in my own experience that there was a transition from, this is what my parents believe to this is what I believe.
And a lot of that happened around puberty and going on youth group trips at my church. We, we belong to a church that had a huge youth program and my parents changed churches when I was in sixth grade, which at that point in my life was in fact, the most traumatic thing of my entire life. And we visited churches all summer and I just wanted to die.
I hated it. And the church that I chose was not the one that my parents chose, but the one that they chose for our family big part of why they chose it was because they did have such a large active youth program. I think it was brilliant. We were at church Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night, when previously we don’t have gone to Sunday morning.
So that was a big shock, but these were my friends, the church was across town. So it was an effort to get there. It was purposeful, we did it, but, um, I, you know, I went on missions trips in seventh grade and we went to the Navajo reservation. We had to qualify to go. We had to study their culture. Um, we had to be approved to go.
It was a big process. And in the course of sort of going through those things, I began to separate what my faith was from my parents’ faith. And that it wasn’t just what they were teaching and talking about. It was God talking to me. And then the actual experience of those trips for me was amazing. Um, I I’ve heard what I would say as the voice of God, a couple of times in my life.
The first time I was middle of the Navajo nation in Monument Valley, camping under the stars. Those were real moments that I can go back on there, you know, they’re my stack of stones, look what God did. And, um, and I had that. And so that was very real to me and I recognized that I wanted to cultivate those experiences for my own children. That I would teach them, and model for them. And we would set examples, but I wanted them to develop their own faith. And I wanted them to question, Alan talks about a time in his life where he really questioned his faith and, um, he’s incredibly intellectual. And when we saw with some of our kids, um, uh, questioning, we didn’t run from it.
We talked it through. We walked through we, um, but we had done some purposeful things to when each of our kids asked Jesus to be in their hearts. I wrote that date down meant Julie. We went back to that date and went, oh God, oh, wait, no, it’s, it’s written right here. Yeah, you did that. And we want it to have sort of those, again, those, those stones, um, those reminders as visual reminders in our children’s lives that maybe we helped them set up.
And, you know, when something happened, that was significant, we made record of it so that they could go back and look at those. And when they questioned, when they doubt it, Isabella, um, our third, it has always been this, um, interesting mix of extreme contrasts and, um, She, she has been a missionary in Ireland.
She loves the Lord. She writes the most amazing things about God. Um, she has such a deep abiding faith with him. And I remember when she was maybe four years old, her looking at me and saying, mom, I don’t get the Trinity. And I’m like, oh yeah, girlfriend, but here I go, you know, I don’t really know how to explain it to an adult and I’m going to try to do it for four year old, but we weren’t afraid of those questions, and I never wanted my children to feel like they couldn’t ask or they couldn’t think it. Um, I really wanted if they thought it for them to talk about it with me and, and for us, you know, for us to go there.
Julie Lyles Carr: I love that you retained an open heart for the questions, and I think this is one of the places that a lot of parents can really struggle because it feels in some ways, if you feel like you’re laying it out and you’re doing all the things you know, to do, and then your kids come back and they will, and they will come back with questions that you may have never thought of. You feel really ill-equipped to deal with you feel like I don’t know how to answer that. And we extrapolate when those things happen. Well, if I don’t answer this correctly and I don’t answer it immediately, and we w we don’t resolve this in this moment, then what does this mean about my child and their faith and their salvation and all the things.
And so that willingness to not be threatened by questions, but to allow them… and I think sometimes Stephanie to allow the question to remain for a while. You know, not everything gets resolved in one discussion, not everything gets resolved in one take. So the willingness to leave the door open when those faith questions come, I think is really important for parents to hear you today, that the questions are part of the journey. The questions are part of the role of the mentor of the parent to navigate through. And to be honest about, I don’t really know, that’s really interesting or that’s something I haven’t been able to resolve for myself. I don’t, I don’t have a fast answer for that.
You know, Stephanie, one of the things that I have loved and watching your family through the years, you developed very early on this deep sense of family, deep sense of connectedness and yeah and knowing all four of your adult kids, they’re all very independent. They love you and Alan dearly, but they have not at all hesitated to go on all kinds of adventures.
You’ve got one who lives in DC, but she works in San Francisco. You’ve got one in Tennessee with your twin grand babies. You’ve got one in Colorado in the Denver area. And then where’s your youngest now? Is he also still in Colorado?
Stephanie Harrison: He is, he is staying in Denver. So the first time in a long time, I’m going to have to permanently in the same city, not the city I’m in, but yeah.
Julie Lyles Carr: Right. Important distinction because you’re down here in Texas, a little ways down the road from me in San Antonio. And so I have loved seeing the independence that your kids have and yet the connection, what are the things that you did early on to foster those two things because you and I both know families where people are very immeshed with each other,
it’s lovely, but there’s not much of a sense of being able to chart your own course, or to be really independent. On the other hand, we know families that, you know, that short season that kids are in your homes and then everybody scatters and there doesn’t seem to be much of a bond that remains. So how did you navigate these two things that can seem kind of different, which is keeping a family really connected and yet at the same time, making sure you are nurturing your kids toward independence?
Stephanie Harrison: You know, I think it was a combination of being purposeful about some things and, um, God’s grace on, you know, on a whole lot of other things. For us, we, we really emphasized family, so we were not a family that did big, um, friend birthday parties, for instance. We did family birthday parties and whatever city we were living in, family there they came, but they were family birthday parties that was, who was invited. And then, um, we did do some in case you’re feeling sorry for our children sort of big birthday parties that they did the big friend thing. Right. But, um, I talked a lot with our children growing up that you will all be always be friends with your siblings.
Your best friend today, you may not remember their name when you see their picture, when you’re an adult. And they just looked at me like I had three heads that, that couldn’t be possible because, you know, they can’t possibly get enough time with this person. And we encouraged friendships. I don’t want it to sound like we didn’t, but we didn’t encourage friendships above, um, family relationships.
And, and I talked about when, when they would have issues with one another that, um, you’re blessed. You have siblings and you get real-world experience in working out problems and you will work them out, that’s not an option not to, um, which I think sometimes out in the world, you can just quit associating with somebody.
And, um, so I think that, I think that our kids, it worked a lot of things out together. They were homeschooled through seventh grade for the girls, um, and the, the girls went to school in eighth grade, and then through sixth grade for Isaiah cause that was when we moved to Austin and so we did it a little differently for him, but you know, that creates, uh, a tightness that I’m sure you understand.
That’s a little unique, it’s different, you know, you’re in the classroom, um, you’re studying, you’re doing chores… your schedule’s a little different, but you’ve got a whole lot of together that, um, that not necessarily gets. And that was a path that we chose for our family and was a huge blessing. And, um, and I think really strengthened our ties to one another.
It certainly, it made me really close to our children and to really knowing them and understanding them. So a huge blessing that I hadn’t really anticipated coming out of the decision to homeschool. I think that moving, which, fYI, not on my radar. The last house we built in Colorado, which was 1, 2, 3, 4 houses ago, I thought I would welcome grandchildren too. I haven’t lived in that house for over 10 years now. So I’m surprised. You know, decided to move us. And, um, boy, that was hard. And, um, our move to Texas, I was joked that you can still see my fingernail marks in the pavement dragging me from Colorado to Texas. We moved in the middle of a drought to Austin.
We moved into an apartment in north Austin. Our kids are going to school in south Austin. I was on the road and traffic. It as a terrible time, Isaiah was so angry and mad, but you know what? We, we stuck it out as, as a family. Um, our second daughter had just started college so, uh, our younger two are the ones who made the move with us.
The younger two dubbed us the core four. And, um, that’s our, you know, that’s our text messaging group. If it’s just the four of us talking it’s, it’s called the core four. And, and, um, and we went through some tough times together. A lot of crying, a lot wondering if God was in fact punishing us. You know, we, we had to walk five minutes to get our dog to a green spot of grass to do his business.
And we, we moved from Colorado, and this was, this was not what we thought we were getting. It was 114 every day. And then, um, pass, drop caught on fire. So we really did sort of feel like God moved us to hell, sorry, Austin. Um, um, but it was, you know, it was that hard time that really forged some, some tight bonds and in a unique way with our younger two children that we didn’t necessarily have with our older two. So that to me is sort of one of those not planned. I wasn’t, it wasn’t purposefully saying, Hey, let’s move somewhere and no one wants to go and, um, see what that does for our family. But that’s what God used and, you know, God totally redeemed what was a very difficult situation um, for all of us. Our older two, we moved to Tulsa moved before Isaiah was born as it was actually born in Tulsa. An incredibly difficult time for me. I felt like I was treating my family for my husband’s family,, and that didn’t seem like a fair trade, even though they’re wonderful, wonderful people.
They just, they just weren’t my family. And, um, and I really believe God took my tears away for a year. And I think that if I had started crying, I wouldn’t have stopped. And you know, God just, God had to do a work in me. And, um, I will never forget. I, we were actually just in Tulsa, my mother-in-law just passed away and we were there for the service and we were driving and I said, this is where it happened.
And all my kids said what? And I said, I was driving and you, three girls were behind me and I was crying and I thought, you couldn’t see me. This was before we moved. But we knew we were moving and Ariel who at the time would have been three, said don’t cry mommy, I’ll pray for you. Well, of course then I just sobbed harder, but you know, they, they walked through that in a different way with me, which I think also created some, some bonds of togetherness. And, um, you know, you’re, you’re best friends with the guy in the Fox hole or whatever there was, there was some of that that happened. So moves that I didn’t want that I hadn’t anticipated that uh, we hadn’t really planned for, but knew clearly God was moving us. God used those to really bind our family together and to, to make us a more of a cohesive unit. And the truth is Julie, we love spending time together. My adult kids they’re so much fun. They’re just delightful to me. And so we love being with them.
They love being with each other. They love being with us. But, um, the other half of your question was, you know, how did you foster that independence and that was really important to me and I didn’t realize it until we moved. Our moving away from Denver was really hard on my parents, but especially on my mom.
And she took it personally. And I think part of why she took it personally was she and my dad had left Nebraska on purpose. They wanted to leave that and forge a new path and she didn’t really understand that we weren’t wanting to leave, but we were following god’s call, and God’s direction. And we had, man we’d prayed and prayed and then prayed more about whether or not we were doing it, but it illustrated to me that I didn’t want to ever make my children feel like I disapproved of them following God’s will for their lives.
And I don’t think my mom knows that she did that. You know, I mean, her intention would never, ever in a million years have been to do that, but that was sort of the end result. So I worked really hard in letting my kids know, I a hundred percent would love to live near, but a thousand percent, I want you to listen to God’s voice.
And I tell all of them all the time. I’m so proud of you. I really believe you’re following God’s will for your life. When they changed jobs, when they changed cities, when they change, whatever they call us and they ask us to pray and they pray, they pray about it. They asked for wisdom and direction. They ask for input, they ask for advice and we give them all of those things.
And then we always say, We know that you have a tremendous relationship with the Lord and we trust that he will tell you what it is you’re supposed to do and know that we will support that. And so I have given them that freedom and there’ve been times I thought, wow, That was stupid. You know, when I’ve had children in four different time zones, at one point. None of them were my time zone.
I didn’t really enjoy that, but I will say that is what God has called me to do was to raise them, as you said, to launch. Um, I’ve always had the mindset that I was raising adults and adults, and, um, I’ve raised four adults and that may mean they don’t live anywhere near me, but what I want is that they are living the life that God has for them.
And then I just trust God to sort out the rest, which means I’m on an airplane a lot.
Julie Lyles Carr: Yeah. I was going to say you travel a lot. I love seeing how you are still conducting family ties at the level that you are because that’s one thing we in fostering independence for our kids that I think today, in some ways it’s a little easier on a mama’s heart than might’ve been in some previous generations.
What I think about, you know, Laura Ingalls family, if you will, from Little house on the Prairie, leaving Wisconsin, leaving all the family, heading to Kansas, and there was no FaceTime. There was no real grandma and grandpa come out on the next flight and help you guys get moved in. There was none of that.
Whereas today I do think is difficult as it can be sometimes to tell our kids go fly, live, particularly when that means they’re not going to be in our locale. However, I am so grateful for the tools that we do have to continue to allow family to remain connected. We don’t have to be as disconnected as families in the past.
If we want to stay connected. It was one of the, I reached out to you a few weeks ago because I was laughing at myself. We’ve had three weddings of our kids in 14 months, and Stephanie, I would have told you it’s a lot. It was a lot. The mom is tired. The mama has, you know, hot glue gun scars for days from all of the things that had to be done for these crafts.
Oh yeah. Weddings, crafts are a whole other, a whole other conversation. Even if you say, oh, I’m not crafty. Well, You will be a little bit during some of these weddings. But I had felt really good that I had been releasing kids so easily. So my son Justice got married and he and his wife Lilly live here in Austin.
My daughter McKenna and her husband Del Taco live just right down the road from you in San Antonio, and then I married my third one just a few weeks ago and she got married, got in the car and left with her husband who’s a Marine to go back out to camp Belton, and all of the sudden, oh, all the things I’ve been so congratulatory when it comes to, oh yes I launched my kids. I don’t cry when they go to college, when they get married, I’m fine. I’m totally fine. I realized mama was not fine, Stephanie, mama was not fine by a long shot. And I reached out to you and I said, okay, talk me through this. I know you have kids all over the place. So what have y’all done in terms of travel in terms of communication, because here’s the rub for a lot of us in wanting our kids to be independent, in some ways it can be easy to retreat too far. At the same time, we know there’s a lot of tendency to continue that helicopter parent temptation, which is to be calling them constantly, to be having expectations about how much they should be coming to us and, and exactly what the holiday should look like and all of that.
So how have you navigated the bonuses of technology and travel that get you where you need to be so you can be with them, and yet at the same time, still leave enough margin that they’re living their lives.
Stephanie Harrison: So, you know, I think that’s still evolving, honestly. Our older two are married, um, like you said, Alexandra lives in DC, but works in San Francisco.
She and her husband actually are in San Francisco this week. He’s taking a little time off from, their both attorneys, and he’s taking a little time off before you start to new job as a Supreme court clerk, which is just huge, and they’re so proud of him, did you see how I work that in there? Um, but it is constantly evolving,
um, as, as a child gets married, you will know you want to give them space, but you still want to be involved. And I’m so grateful for all the technology we have. So on any given day, um, you know, we have a Harrison whim and text, so I don’t know, starting at six 30 this morning, that was blowing up, you know?
And so my three daughters and I, and, and, you know, everything gets covered in that. There’s the, the family group text. And, um, that gets used less because the men are a little cranky about getting a lot of texts in the middle of their day, whatever. You know, there are, um, and Marco polo the app. Um, I don’t know if you’re familiar with that one.
When, when I became a grandma, that app became my best friend because I get to see those babies when it works for Ariel. Um, she’ll send me a quick Marco and I get to see those babies and then I get to watch it when it works for me. I mean, oh my gosh, who thought of that? What a blessing. And I kept saying to her when she was telling me about it, well, how’s that different than you just sending me a video? And she just rolled her eyes and was like download it mom.
Yeah, it’s been fantastic. A great way of communicating, but you know, each of our kids is kind of, um, forged what works for them in terms of communication. Isabella is our big communicator. She has sent a nightly email, um, every night when Alexandra, the oldest went to college, Isabella started emailing her every night, unbeknownst to any of us.
When Ariel went away to college, she got included on the nightly email. Well, then when I went on a trip to see one of them and, and I wasn’t by Isabella, I got included on the nightly email and she has just kept it up for more than 10 years now. Every night, she sends an email. First thing I look for when I opened my phone app is her email.
And sometimes it’s not there and I’m like, are you okay since, you know, because I, you know, thankfully she always has been, but, um, you know, that’s, that’s kind of a lot of communication compared to some of my other kids, but I love it. And, um, and I respond to her, so we communicate a little bit. You know, sometimes our emails long, sometimes it’s, it’s one sentence with lots of typos as she’s falling asleep, but it works.
Um, like I said, Ariel uses Marco a lot and she and her husband and their kids usually FaceTime, uh, with Alan and I both on Sunday afternoon, which is a treat for Alan because he doesn’t get as much of that. Um, Isaiah from the time he went away to college, he calls us two o’clock Sunday afternoon and he FaceTimes us, which,
I was surprised at, I thought when he would just call, but he, he wants to FaceTime and, you know, What a blessing. I get to put my eyes on him and see him and I, that’s just good for this mama’s heart. And, um, and for Alexandra who has truly the craziest schedule with her husband of really any human, I know, she, she calls at different times. And, uh, sometimes it’s face time. Mostly it’s a phone call here, phone call there texts. Um, occasionally she emails, but we talk at least once a week. It’s just not always, you know, on a schedule. And I’m good with all of that. That, um, that works for me. You asked about, you know, going to see them.
Really a priority, being able to see my kids. And I’m blessed that I have that flexibility, but I have given up some other things that would prevent me from having that flexibility. And, and other good things, but I’ve just decided this is, I I’ve seen it raising children goes by so fast and this stage is going to change too.
When I only have two grandchildren, when, um, you know, there’s just one of me and one of Alan and getting to everybody and it’s going to get spread thinner and thinner, and so I don’t want to not do something now because of X, Y, or Z. It’s just important to me. And so, you know, my, my credit card earns me miles and, um, I am very diligent and very good, earning miles, and, um, you know, our, our second daughter with his mother or twin grand babies, they live in Knoxville, Tennessee. It’s not an easy place to get to from San Antonio, Texas. I can’t fly direct. And I’ve spent a lot of time in airports, on layovers at delays and, and you know what?
I don’t remember that. I remember that time I spent on the floor with those grandbabies though. And, um, you know, the first time they, they call me by name or when they light up, when they see me or, you know, any of those things. And so that’s just been, it’s been a priority and, and it’s not just with the grandkids.
I love spending time with our kids, with, um, Alexandra who worked in the department of the treasury. We made sure we went out and we got a tour of the department of the treasury, and we got all the behind the scenes stuff in it. Gosh, it was so cool. And I want to see where my kids were and I want to see where my kids live and, um, and that’s important.
And so, you know, when Alan gets time off and we, we plan trips really to see the kids. Now we’d like to, to travel just the two of us to which this last year has been a wash, but it really is. It’s important to both of us. So actually that’s, that’s where we’re going Friday is to see that two younger ones in Denver.
And that’s nice. We finally get to double up.
Julie Lyles Carr: You know, it is, it is really fascinating because I think for a lot of us as women, we sometimes think about when we get the kids launched that this will be our season. And you know, that thing that we’ve been putting off for that career path that maybe we put on hold a little bit, that’s when we’re going to chase it.
And I had that revelation a couple of years ago that, okay, wait a minute, you know, some of the things that I’ve been investing in are actually going to prove to be kind of limiting when it comes to my schedule, when it comes to my time. And as it turns out, I really still want to be with these kids. I’m not saying that’s how it’s going to be for everyone.
I think there are people that the way they choose to launch and the way that all that goes down, you know, or maybe their kids live really close and in the same town, which that gives you a different level of freedom. If that’s that’s the situation. Yeah. But I’ve, I’ve had that same kind of aha moment of, you know, what, there’s some really cool and great things that are on the table but those are not the things when it comes to continuing to invest in my kids’ lives. It’s not going to allow me that kind of flexibility that I need. So it is interesting too, to change the lens a little bit to think about, okay, wait, how do we build lifestyles, if you will, that allow us to continue to make family a priority when the dynamics of how we celebrate family are different. You know, Stephanie, I know from the listeners we have from the people that respond to different episodes, there are those mamas out there who are listening to this and who are thinking well, that’s all amazing and great, but I have a kid who has questioned their faith to the point that they’re not following God. I have a kid that through a series of situations is a estranged from the family. I have a child who never got along with her siblings didn’t want that kind of friendship. And, and now that they are launching into adulthood, those bonds are not there.
What do you say to a mom who’s in that situation?
Stephanie Harrison: Boy, that’s um, that’s just hard. Um, the first thing I would say though, is mom guilt is never productive. As much as you can let go of whatever it is you’re beating yourself up for, and let it, let it go. I mean, I can tune into your podcast, Julie, and hear from half a dozen women who did everything better than I did.
And I can just beat myself up for that. Or I can say, Nope, this was my path. And this is what I did. And this is where I’m at. You know, if you’re looking at something that you’ve done, that you recognize, maybe you did it wrong, then that change it going forward. But, um, the biggest thing for me is releasing our children to God.
And if you’re a mama of a little, you need to release that child to God. And if you’re the mama of an adult, You need to release that child to God. And, you know, we talked about this earlier that the child has to make the decision for themselves to follow Christ. The child has to make the decision for themselves to, to live in God’s will, and you can be a perfect mama and they can still choose not to do that.
And you know what, that’s freewill, and that is, that is their choice. But, you know, We’ve got knees that we can kneel on and we can pray. And, you know, for years I heard about women in my stage of life who couldn’t sleep at night and there it is, but, you know, um, quite a few years ago I recognized that if I was awake in the middle of the night, that was really a great time for me to just talk to God. And there’s just been a lot of talking to God about my kids in the middle of the night for a lot of years and, uh, for a long time, uh, if there was something that was going on in one of my children’s lives, God woke me up in the middle of the night. I mean, I woke up and I knew this kid, pray now. And I even had conversation with one of them and I said, so God woke me up at three last night to pray for you. What’s going on big alarm and then confession. And you know, the truth is that that didn’t happen all the time, but, but it did that one time, and I think that, you know, as much as we love our children. God loves them more and we have to turn them over to him. And we have to know that their story’s not done being written. Um, years and years and years ago, I heard Margaret Feinberg speak in person and I’ll never forget something she said. She said, there is nothing too difficult for God to redeem.
And, you know, I bet that was 15- 20 years ago. I heard her say that and I have seen that happen over and over again. Something that seemed hopeless, a situation, um, a person who had gone astray, circumstance, that there was just no hope, and yet God redeemed it. And, and that story wasn’t over. It takes time and it takes patience, and it takes reminding ourselves that God is a good God, and it takes letting go and turning them over to God sometimes daily.
I mean, you know, we, we want to pull things back. We do, we want to, we want to reel it in. We want to say, oh, it was easier when they were two or, or whatever, but you know what? They’ve got to live their life. They’ve got to establish their relationship with the Lord. They’ve got to make their decisions.
We’re not responsible for them. And we can pray. And it’s a powerful, powerful tool. And, you know, for a child, that’s a estranged from, from the family. I had a dear friend from college who had a son, uh, who became estranged from them. And, um, it was just through a lot of through divorce and lots of difficult circumstances.
He ended up having a child out of wedlock and just sort of all the things that this woman, this friend of mine hadn’t stood for. I mean, she had anticipated herself getting divorced, but then, you know, just really lost communication with this boy. And she ended up going to counseling and it was just so good and so beautiful.
And they have such a beautifully restored relationship, but I bet it took 12 years. But you know what? That boy has three children now, not just one and she’s grandma to them and they adore her and she adores them. But this from a child that wouldn’t speak to her. And, and I would just say there’s hope, but, um, she spent a lot of time on her knees and did a lot of things.
Shut her mouth a lot. Didn’t see when she wanted to. Kind of played by his terms, and by his rules and, you know, God has redeemed that and I think continues to redeem that situation. I don’t have a hard, fast suggestion or I don’t know tip, but, um, but I do believe that, that God wants to restore relationships in those, um, starting with the relationship with him and then, uh, family relationships.
And sometimes we have to let go of those kids when, when they walk away like that. Our only lifeline to them is through prayer. And it’s a powerful one, but it’s hard as moms, when we’ve carried them and fed them and kept them alive for 18 years to go, okay, I guess you get to make your own decisions. Yeah.
Julie Lyles Carr: Yeah. But very powerful often to see that when a child realizes that you’re still there for them in prayer, but you’re not trying to control everything. You’re not trying to hover. It is amazing what can happen. And of course, very biblical when we look at the story of the prodigal, you know, like, okay, go fly to your thing.
I’m here when you’re ready, really is a powerful posture to be in. Well, Stephanie, I can’t thank you enough for being here. I know that this is going to be one of those episodes that listeners go back and listen to again, gleaning all the good from it. Thanks so much for being willing to be on. And I hope you have a great time seeing your youngest two.
I’m going to be continuing to follow your adventures and keep up with you because I know that it really helps me sort through what this next season of mothering is supposed to look like. Thanks so much.
Stephanie Harrison: Thank you, Julie.
Julie Lyles Carr: Check out the show notes for all the links, info and other goodness from this week’s episode with a big thank you to our content coordinator, Rebecca. I’ve got a request, please go subscribe and like, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. It really does make a difference in helping other people find the show. And I’ll see you next week here at the allmomdoes podcast.
