I used to be so sleep-deprived that I would fall asleep while driving Zack to developmental preschool at 10 o’clock in the morning. Friends would scold me for sending emails at 3 AM, but that’s when I routinely woke up crying with grief, and writing was my outlet. I was in a battle during that first decade of Zack’s life. A battle with God.
I knew God would win, and even that made me angry. Birthing a child with multiple disabilities broke my illusion that Jesus would always make my life good. A friend told me it was an illusion that needed to be broken, but part of me still wishes it was intact.
The only way to survive was to surrender. That’s where the song “My Life is in Your Hands” by Kathy Troccoli comes in. SPIRIT 105.3 always played it right when I was driving Zack to preschool. Every day I would roll down my window and lift my hand to the sky, palm up, singing it the top of my lungs, and crying. Sometimes I was singing in anger. Sometimes I was singing in grief. And eventually, I was singing in surrender. I gave in. I allowed God to capture me and hold me close in the darkest time of my life. And that’s when things started to turn around for the better.
Nothing changed, except me. I think that’s because I was the only one who needed to.
PRAYER:
Father, I want to resist. I don’t want to give in. But I have no control and cannot possibly change my life or my child. So I surrender. As much as I am able right now, I give you my life and my child. It’s all in Your hands. Amen.
Author Bio: Elizabeth Griffin is a senior writer at CRISTA Ministries. Her journey as a mom of a child with autism can be followed on her blog “Follow the Dots.” If you would like a free copy of Elizabeth’s book Fragile X, Fragile Hope, let us know at comments@allmomdoes.com.
