Adoption isn’t pretty, but it’s beautiful.
Every adoption story is a love story. Many people think the story is all about the child, birth parents, siblings, or adoptive parents, but the main theme is actually all of those involved grappling hard to understand and receive God’s selfless love for them.
It helps me to frame adoption as a sort of one-way covenant relationship. When we adopted our daughter in 2007, my husband and I pledged to raise her with as much devotion as we were providing our biological son. But we understood that she didn’t have to pledge that devotion back to us. She’s called to be a kid, but that’s not what I’m called to. I’m called to be a consistent, loving, and godly influence for my daughter come what may.
I tell my daughter, “No matter what, I’m here for you. I know you wish you could’ve been raised by your birth mom. And it’s ok to be frustrated by all of this.” She can’t always make that same expression of love or devotion back, and it wouldn’t be fair for me to expect it from her.
Just because adoption isn’t easy doesn’t mean it’s not rewarding. Few things have brought meaning and purpose to my life like the experience of raising my daughter. In addition to having a front row seat for watching our precious girl grow up, adoption has increased my dependence on God and helped me mature in many ways.
So how does one manage the sheer weight of the experience to stay the course and be an excellent adoptive parent? Here are 8 thoughts that keep me focused when my heart is weary:
1. Pledge to become increasingly flexible. It took years for someone to identify me as being flexible. No joke. I’m a fairly structured person, and being an adoptive mom has cut me open and slowly dug out the sickness within me that wants things to go my way, on my terms. When I run up against a hard wall, one of the first things I have to ask myself is if I’m being too rigid.
2. Develop grit. You will need more grit than you have today. In fact, to be an adoptive mom you will need to develop so much grit you slightly intimidate yourself by the faith-filled statements you make and live by. Your calling to care for a child who would’ve otherwise been parentless is no small thing, so keeping today’s parenting problem in perspective as an opportunity for grit development should embolden you.
3. Identify what energizes and motivates you, and plug up the holes that will naturally puncture your optimism tank. Ask people to hold you accountable to self-care. I schedule reminders on my digital calendar to pop up on occasion to get time alone, buy a small reward, read a new book…anything to shore up the energy and purpose drains that will undoubtedly come.
4. Remind yourself that our spiritual enemy, Satan, hates adoption. Adopting a child is in direct obedience to Scripture. Anything our family has done in accordance to God’s Word has brought direct spiritual attack, but nothing’s been near the battle like adoption. It’s ongoing and hasn’t let up for the past decade, because we won’t give up our commitment to our daughter and the pursuit of her heart and trust. So don’t be surprised or sidetracked when the going gets tough. It’s tough because your child’s heart is worth it.
5. Believe deep down that you’re a resilient woman, and act upon the faith that you truly are as you believe. God didn’t make you to be a spiritual lightweight. You stepped into the heavyweight ring when you chose adoption, and God’s given you the strength to see it through. (Note: Your child can tell if you’re waffling on that belief that you’re resilient, by the way.)
6. Don’t take it personally. If you do, you’re in for a slow and painful ride, friend. I wish I’d seen sooner that some of my daughter’s behaviors and responses to everyday situations were not signs of rejecting me but were actually related to other things going on that she needed help with. Your adopted child needs to know you can handle the hurt he or she feels and expresses without internalizing it.
7. Ask for help. Over the years, God’s provided help for me as an adoptive mom in a variety of ways. Asking someone to watch my kids so I could have time alone, seeking Christian counseling, and getting the insight of teachers and school counselors are all actions that refreshed me anew for this marathon of adoptive parenting.
8. Develop a specific mental picture of the future. I have an unwavering family vision. On tough days, while praying at night I hold fast to the picture I have in my mind and reframe the frustration of the day before I go to sleep. I envision our grown children being lifelong friends with each other, maintaining strong relationships with my husband and me, and the family vacations we’ll all take together with their godly spouses and our precious grandchildren.
I’ve been a pastor, led an international non-profit organization, and spoken to church leaders in a variety of countries. But at the end of the day, being an adoptive mom is what’s teaching me servant leadership in the most awkward and public of ways. My daughter deserves the best of me and she doesn’t always get it, but I have faith that He will never abandon me in living out this calling with great purpose.
God didn’t make a mistake by placing this child in your care. Without a doubt, He has given you everything you need to raise your adopted child with great love and wisdom. Be encouraged, adoptive mom! God is faithful to care for you and your beloved child.
October is Double Impact Month at Antioch Adoptions so all donations will be doubled up to $70,000 – please help us reach our goal and help children find forever families right here in our own backyard!
