The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8
Close to five years ago now, I was just sitting on the floor changing my son’s diaper. It started out like any other day. My back was sore from lifting that sweet, hefty baby in and out of his crib, lugging the car-seat in and out of the car, and any number of day-to-day tasks. My older two were five and seven, and although my back had ached at times after having each of them, it had never been quite as bad as it was after my third and largest baby arrived. As I sat there and snapped up his onesie, I heard a “POP” sound that was accompanied by excruciating pain. I couldn’t stand up straight for a week. My back had seized up at the ripe old age of thirty, and it has hurt every single day since.
Over the last four and a half years I’ve had physical therapy, several procedures, seen the chiropractor, and tried acupuncture. Every option for the moment has seemingly been exhausted. The doctors I’ve seen can’t really offer a solution. I’m fortunate to be otherwise healthy and strong, but I certainly don’t feel that way most of the time. Chronic pain can really drain you, and although I know without a doubt that there are many who suffer far greater than I do each day with injuries or illnesses, it can be hard to fight off the frustration and negative thoughts.
I have prayed and prayed for God to heal my back so I can feel like a functional, healthy mom and wife again. “Why, God?! Why won’t you just heal this one thing that would make my life so much easier?!” We pray that way about so many of our struggles, don’t we? Whether they are physical, emotional, relational, financial. If just this one thing could be fixed, then we could be better.
As the years went by and my back remained tight and pinched each day, I wondered if I would be like this forever. The temptation to compare ourselves to others is strong, especially when it comes to motherhood. I would look at other moms with envy as they lifted their car-seats and strollers with ease, carried their babies on their hips, or went on a jog. If only they knew how easy they had it! I thought they must be better moms because they could probably sit on the floor and play a board game with their kids, drive for longer than twenty minutes without being in pain or sit through a movie at the theater.
I couldn’t do those things, and as someone who has been active my whole life, that was devastating to me. Some days I would feel hopeful that the pain would subside on its own, but most days I was just angry that I had this injury constantly in the back of my mind and holding me back. Still, I found ways to function as we continued to raise our three boys.
Aside from the pain itself, one of the worst things about this injury is the impact it has had on my attitude. I started looking at things in a negative light and always had this overwhelming worry in the back of my mind. I have always been an over-thinker, and I definitely gave in to worry on many occasions, but this was a whole new level. This worry has stolen my joy far too often. I can’t stand that I’m not as optimistic as I once was. I know it’s no way to go through life and that regardless of the struggle I’m facing, I’m surrounded by blessings if I choose to open my eyes to them.
One very unexpected blessing came in April of 2021 when my husband and I found out that I was pregnant with our fourth baby. I cried for probably three weeks straight after seeing those two pink lines. Not because I didn’t want another baby, but because I was absolutely terrified of going through pregnancy and delivery with an already injured back. The looming fears of being bed-ridden and crippled in addition to my severe pregnancy nausea and continuing to be a mom to my three active boys was a lot to process. So many worries went through my mind. “How could I survive delivering this baby if I’m already in so much pain? Who will take care of my kids if I break my back? How will I feed, rock, and carry this baby!?” I thought that surely, God must have made a mistake thinking I could do this.
I was riddled with self-doubt. Even though I knew that God doesn’t make mistakes, I also struggled to shut out the lies I was telling myself about how useless I was. I felt guilty and less-than for having this chronic pain that limited what I could do and sometimes what my family could do. As I pictured this sweet, new addition to our family and was filled with love and joy for him, but I also pictured him being stuck with a mom that was like those grandparents from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Maybe my husband would have to come home from work and feed me cabbage soup while I laid in bed in a nightgown for the rest of my life.
I prayed and I prayed and I prayed every day of that pregnancy that the baby and I would endure and that my back wouldn’t worsen. On the first day of winter in 2021, I welcomed my fourth son into the world. It was terrifying, excruciating, and I was flooded with relief that he was healthy, and I could in fact still walk. I’ve continued to be in pain every day since then and I don’t know what the future holds. I trust that my back will someday recover, but until then I have to find a way to still be me while enduring this pain. The real me isn’t so grumpy and negative and I am going to have to work hard to get back into a positive mindset. Carrying baby number four around for a year and half has absolutely had its challenges, as I knew it would. I have to rely on God every second of every day to keep me going and for strength to endure, and because of that I am closer to him than ever before. I know that through this obstacle I am being refined into someone stronger than I would have otherwise been, even if I can’t see it now.
God hasn’t answered my prayers in the time frame or manner that I expected him to, but that doesn’t mean he won’t do it. Yes-I have this struggle in front of me, but I can still choose how I react to it.
This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)
Being a mom requires a lot of strength and energy. I don’t think I’ve ever met a mom who feels like she has enough of those things-aching back or not. There are still days when I give in to frustration and despair, thinking that my kids deserve a mom with a back that works. As much as I wish things were different and easier, I have an opportunity to show my kids how to persevere through pain. God entrusted me to raise these incredible, wild, and sweet boys. Just as he entrusts you to be the mother of your children. We must try to have courage even when we don’t feel like it and we’re utterly exhausted. Even when we want to sit cozy in that all-too-comfortable negative mindset and feel sorry for ourselves. It is not easy, but we can still be grateful regardless of pain or circumstance.
Whatever struggles you are facing today, I pray that you will be encouraged and comforted as you find a way forward. Even if all you see is the problem in front of you as I often do, ask God to guide your gaze upward and open your eyes to what you do have.
Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
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Read more of Maria’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
