There’s a lot of discussion these days on gentle parenting. And to be fair, people mean different things when they talk about “gentle parenting.” There is a whole “gentle parenting” philosophy associated with the attachment parenting movement and while I know a few things, I am not educated on the specific techniques of AP’s gentle parenting to speak authoritatively on the subject.
There are also (non-AP followers) who simply advocate for treating our children more gently and with greater kindness. And in theory, I don’t disagree.
But sometimes, mama, the kind thing is NOT the gentle thing.
The other day we had a busy evening on the schedule. In order to get everything done on our family’s to-do list, I outsourced dinner to the rest of the family. The menu was prepared and the ingredients purchased, but I needed them to cook it. While they were doing that I would run around town doing all of the things for everyone else in the family and then I’d come home and we’d leave for our evening activity. I said I’d eat quickly when I got home.
The plan went great…until that last part. When I got home, there wasn’t any dinner left for me.
To say I was annoyed was an understatement. And in that moment I had to decide exactly how I would handle it.
- Yell and get angry.
- Firmly and directly (but kindly) explain to my family that they were inconsiderate and should have recognized that they needed to save some food for me.
- Gently explain to my family (without making them feel bad) that it would have been kind of them to think of me and save me some food.
Here’s how it went down.
My hangry self desperately wanted to do #1, but I knew that wasn’t the best approach. #3 seemed appealing, but I felt something was missing. So I chose door #2, and here’s what it looked like.
I didn’t pretend to be gentle to preserve my children’s feelings. I didn’t choose a soft, sing-songy tone to try to tone down the message. But I also didn’t yell, I wasn’t harsh in my tone, and I didn’t say anything I would regret. I simply summarized what happened and let it sink in.
“I’m really disappointed that you didn’t think about saving me dinner after I said I would need some. The reason I wasn’t at the table with you is because I was busy running errands for your projects, and it was very inconsiderate. Every day I cook dinner for you, and this one time I asked you to return the favor – and you didn’t. I’m not mad, but you need to think about people besides yourself. It was pretty selfish behavior.”
That’s it. Direct, firm, honest. Definitely not gentle. But was it kind?
I’d argue that it was.
It was teaching a lesson in a way that would stick. Some of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as an adult are ones where I realized I was in the wrong and the truth punched me right in the gut. Sure, if I would have parented more “gently” my kids would learn this lesson eventually…but instead, they got the message immediately.
I believe in being gentle with our children. I believe in being kind to our children. But I also believe that sometimes they need to be confronted with the truth of their actions, and that sometimes the kind thing is not the gentle thing.
Because sometimes, the truth hurts.
Read more of Kristina’s contributions to allmomdoes here.
