At the beginning of the month, The Washington Post published the findings of a study concluding that the majority of new parents are unprepared for motherhood and have unrealistic expectations of what it will be like. And I think most of us who are in my position {that position being the one with enough years behind me that I have some confidence and perspective but not so far removed from the newborn stage that I’m all “ENJOY EVERY SINGLE MOMENT”} would agree that it’s true.
I’ve been pretty open about my own motherhood experience. That first year wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, and my marriage wasn’t prepared either. And I know I’m not the only one who’s gone through that. Because I heard from you that you did, too.
This experience seems to be common among women, but I think in Christian circles this struggle is, unfortunately, even more profound. We feel the need to have it all together on Sunday mornings, as if Jesus washing away my sin somehow also washed away my need for nine hours of uninterrupted sleep each night and regular adult interaction. In addition, we are constantly bombarded with the message that children are a blessing from the Lord! And, indeed, they are. But you know what else the Bible says are blessings? Trials. Just because something is a blessing doesn’t mean every single second has to be enjoyable – or enjoyed.
As seasoned mamas I think we have a duty to those who come behind us. But that duty isn’t easy. It’s a delicate balance between expressing joy, gratitude, transparency, and honesty. Never would I share my personal experience to try and dissuade anyone from having children or try to negate the joy of an expectant mother waiting to hold her long-awaited babe in her arms.
But if I were more transparent on a day-to-day basis, would it help them adjust their expectations and preserve their joy on the other side of pregnancy?
Maybe, but maybe not. Here’s the other side of the coin. Even if we’re honest, will new mamas listen? I probably wouldn’t have. So maybe entering unprepared is just part of the process. Motherhood is not simply the act of becoming a mom. It’s a journey – a process of growth and pain, and maybe it’s just something that we all need to go through on our own. But that doesn’t mean it has to be lonely.
Motherhood has grown me more as a person and stretched me and challenged me and humbled me more than anything else in this life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it’s no joke. The beautiful irony of motherhood is that it’s a wonderful journey that illuminates some of the most awful parts inside of ourselves, and when we allow ourselves to recognize them, we can grow into something better. But if we pretend those ugly imperfections don’t exist, we miss out on the tremendous growth opportunities God has gifted to us. Children are indeed a blessing, but they are a blessing through which God uses the trials to work miracles within our own hearts. We’re all works in progress, and we shouldn’t expect to be a finished product the day we bring our babies home.
For those of us who have survived our own trials of new motherhood, we need to do our best to be transparent about our journeys while modeling gratefulness for the growth – and grace – God allows us to experience. And we need to be there as a listening, supportive, and safe shoulder for those who arrive on the other side of motherhood and find out that it wasn’t quite what they expected.
Turns out that’s most of us, anyway.
