Grieving the Loss of a Pet with Kids

I had often wondered when this day would come. How it would all play out. Where we all would be. Despite it feeling sudden, it was something I had thought about over and over for the past few years. Our beloved dog, Tucker, was almost 16 years old. When you have a pet who is up there in years, it is natural to think about the inevitable and when exactly they would be leaving you to go up to pet heaven.

For us, it happened perfectly. I know that may sound like an odd word to use to describe death. But one of my fears had been that it would be traumatic, drawn out and full of decisions that I didn’t want to have to make. Really none of that was the case. Tucker was my first baby. A fur baby, yes, but the first creature I was solely responsible for. Sixteen years later, with a husband and two kids, life was a bit different for Tucker and I than it had started out on my college campus.

Sure, Tucker was up there in years but had just recently checked out with a clean bill of health at the vet. We always kept his dachshund body in good shape and despite things like hearing loss and bladder issues, he was trekking along pretty well for an old man.

The kids had been running him around the cul-de-sac on a typical Saturday afternoon. I didn’t know it would be the last time they would do that.

On Sunday, it happened.

I won’t go into the details but my husband and I were quick to know this looked like it was the end of the road for Tucker. While I stayed with the kids, my husband took him to the emergency vet hospital. I was so grateful we were all home as a family when it happened. This is one of the reasons I would describe it as happening perfectly. It was a blessing that it was a Sunday and my husband and I were both there to handle the situation. While losing a pet is gut-wrenching, I was glad that on top of that I wasn’t dealing with some drawn out process. We did have to make the decision to put him down but, in my opinion, it wasn’t really a decision. Given the circumstances, there was nothing we could do as he was no longer able to process oxygen on his own, in addition to other factors.

After going through our first loss of a pet, here are a few things to share in hopes they can help if you experience the loss of a pet.

Cry– My kids were four and seven. I don’t think they knew how much or how hard I grieved the loss but I didn’t constantly try to hide my emotions. Crying is part of healing. Cry together and let your kids know it’s ok to do so.

Don’t tell them they went to a farm– To each their own on this one. But death is a part of life. The loss of Tucker has prepared my kids to how to process grief because this will not be the last in their lives. I know it’s hard and we want to shelter them, but I’d encourage you to allow your kids the opportunity to know the truth.

Say goodbye (if you can)– I regret not saying a longer goodbye. My kids and I did all hug Tucker and cry on him and told him how much we loved him. But I wish I had done it a bit longer. My husband held him the entire way through and I am forever grateful he didn’t leave him alone at any point of it. But if you get the chance, make sure you feel like you get a solid goodbye.

Talk– Don’t brush it under the rug. I was surprised by how much my kids wanted to talk about it for weeks and weeks. It was part of them processing the situation. I would encourage you to talk to them about the fun times, to look at pictures and to continue to grieve.

It takes time– It has been over a year since we lost Tucker. Yet, very often when my five year old gets upset she will cry and say “I just miss Tucker!” It was her hardest loss in life to date so I think she somehow uses that to grieve other smaller things that don’t go right in life. I let her cry and we continue talking about Tucker and how much we loved him and will forever miss him.

Think about giving them a place to grieve– There are pet cemeteries you can pay to bury ashes, or to just have a gravestone. It could be a place for you and your family to visit the pet. We have Tuckers last paw print and keep it in the house with his picture. But think about what makes sense for you and your family so you have a place to remember the pet.

You cannot replace the pet– Almost exactly a year later, we did adopt a new dog. But it took me this long to feel ready to do so. We have talked about how Tucker will never be replaced but we will aim to give our new dog as good a life as Tucker had. Getting a new pet too soon in attempt to band-aid the situation could mean the grieving is pushed down versus processed.

As heartbreaking as it is to lose a pet, it is a natural part of life and something that I honestly do believe equips our children for more loss in life. Pets teach our children about unconditional love and that is a priceless gift.