My husband and I were at dinner recently with two of our best couple friends celebrating a milestone 40th birthday. We initially met over 14 years ago through a new parent’s church group and our bond has stayed strong ever since. The thought came over me a couple of times during dinner that I feel so blessed to have relationships like this that we have been through so many ups and downs of life with and now here we were, parents of teenagers and celebrating a 40th birthday together.
We got on the topic of marriages and how our friendships to each other have been so meaningful during good times and bad; to have those friends you can truly talk to about anything but who at the core share the same values as you and will lift you and your marriage up anytime you need a little help.
We then got on the topic of Love Languages.
If you are not familiar with the five love languages they include:
- Words Of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
We decided to go around the table and share our top two Love Languages. Of course, this led to a lot of conversation including moments where we had had silly fights possibly stemming from our spouse thinking more about what their love language was versus their partners.
One thing that we found to be similar for a few of us is that our love languages had changed throughout the course of our marriage. For one of my friends, her top used to be receiving gifts but now as a mom of three, it has shifted to words of affirmation.
We actually dove pretty deep into this conversation and how understanding not only our own love language but also our spouses is really important in a marriage. My absolute top without question is acts of service. I always say I would rather my husband vacuum out my car than give me a hug. That can seem really shocking to some people. But you have to understand, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love physical touch with my husband. It just means that I feel most appreciated and loved when he does something more acts of service aligned versus physical touch.
Your love language is how you feel loved and appreciated and often times that is confused for how you should show love and appreciation to your spouse. While I think all five are important to a marriage, I also think it’s important to know how your spouse would order them. My husband, for example, really values quality time. While I would prefer he fill up my gas tank or some other act of service, I know my husband loves sitting down and watching a show together.
As we continued sharing on this topic during the birthday dinner, it was really fun hearing different stories, experiences and ways that our friends either got it right or got it very wrong at times over the past decade and a half.
The love languages are not some key or end all be all to a happy marriage, but I do think it’s an ingredient that can help strengthen it.
Here are a few ideas to start the conversation for you and your spouse on the five love languages.
- Ensure you know what the five love languages are; sit down and talk to your spouse about them.
- Make a list in rank order of them. This doesn’t mean #5 is not important, it just means it might not be at your top. You might even have ones that are too close and you end in a tie, that is fine!
- Make a list of small things your spouse does that brings you joy. Don’t let this stir up a fight; it is truly meant as a tool to communicate. One example for me is when my husband vacuums the house every Saturday without me asking. It makes me so happy. Do not phrase it as “these are the things you don’t do that you need to start doing” (because, come on- that would put anyone on the defensive). Instead, phrase it as “these are things you do for me that make me super happy. Like when you sometimes bring me coffee when I am not expecting it.” SIMPLE things. It builds them up to know it’s not about what they are doing wrong but what they are doing right that you notice and appreciate them for doing.
- Have your spouse make a list too. This might be tough. Some husbands might think you are setting them up for failure or that it’s a trap. My husband was not quick to agree to this and it was actually hard for him to come up with anything. But start by just asking for a couple of things. Maybe it’s something as simple as hugging him when he walks through the door (physical touch) instead of just going right into parent mode.
Are you in tune with your Love Language? Has yours changed without you even realizing it? We’d love to hear!
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Read more of Stephanie’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
