If I had a dollar for every time I felt guilty about something I did (or didn’t do) with respect to my kids, I would have about a billion dollars. Do you know how many dollars my husband would have?
Zero.
We both work full time, we both clean, we both chauffeur kids around, we both do laundry. But the feeling that you are constantly missing something or not doing something right or just plain losing it in general? That seems to be reserved for just me.
I still think about a time years ago when my son was in elementary school and we found out on a Monday afternoon that he won an award at school that would be presented the following morning during chapel. Parents are invited when kids win awards but it’s probably 50/50 on whether the parents attend. Still, I immediately went into crazy working mom mode of ensuring I found a way to be there. Yet when I asked my husband if he was going to attend, do you know what he said?
No.
Not because he didn’t care or wasn’t proud of our son. But because he knew he couldn’t make something last minute work with his meeting schedule and that it wasn’t something that he’d be the only parent to ever miss in the history of parenting.
There have been countless other similar examples like this. I run myself ragged, oozing with mom guilt and my husband in a very levelheaded way just simply doesn’t.
I came walking through the door after a very long day in the office the other day. Stressed, hangry and exclaiming how I was sorry I was gone all day. I was almost in tears. The stress and guilt continued as I put my work bag down and kicked off my shoes.
Then I took a second to look up at my family who was sitting in our family room area, and I noticed something. They could not have cared any less that I had been gone longer than an average day. I won’t go as far to say they didn’t even notice but basically, they barely even noticed. When they were little, it would have looked different but at 11 and almost 14, the kids don’t exactly sprint to the door to greet me the second I get home like they used to.
They knew I would be coming home later so they ate dinner, cleaned the kitchen and were watching tv when I came barreling through the door.
Seeing this non-reaction from my family when I walked through the door should have made me feel wonderful. They had it all under control and I had nothing I needed to be adding to my plate in that moment.
Yet the mom guilt was still creeping in. I am sure this is something to unpack later in counseling.
That evening, I asked my husband a question.
“Do you ever feel dad guilt?” “No”, he replied.
“Have you ever felt dad guilt in your whole life?” I then asked. “No”, he replied.
Now, let’s be clear – this has nothing to do with my husband not being an incredible dad. It has everything to do him knowing that it’s not something to add to his figurative backpack.
Why don’t dads feel this same burden?
Is dad guilt even a thing?
You would be hard pressed to find a mom who can’t relate to mom guilt. It’s like an expectation of the role. You’re a mom = you have mom guilt. Maybe because moms are often the default parent so our minds are constantly going a million miles a minute and it’s hard to not find ourselves focusing on the things we have missed the mark on.
I wish sometimes I could see things as black-and-white as my husband. If he can’t make something, he moves on and knows he can be there for the next something. If he gets extra impatient with the kids one morning, he doesn’t then cry on his way to work (well, to the best of my knowledge). Instead, he just continues moving forward in his day knowing the kids were in fact moving like molasses and that is super frustrating.
Dad guilt doesn’t exist with him.
But can you imagine if it did exist? I have talked countless times to my fellow mom friends about how I feel guilty for this or that and they always empathize. Can you imagine if dads did that?
I don’t think there is room for mom and dad guilt in this world.
The more I think about the role I get to play in my kids’ lives, the more grateful I am that God has chosen me to be their mom. I would chose mom with a side of guilt over any other role I play in life. I don’t have advice other than to remind myself to give myself grace and that nobody is truly doing every single thing right when it comes to parenting. My kids are loved and taken care of and have pretty fantastic lives. That should come mom-guilt free; but it doesn’t.
Does dad guilt exist in your household? Maybe dad is the default parent? We’d love to hear!
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Read more of Stephanie’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
