“Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.” -C.S. Lewis
My husband and I had our first son when we were twenty-one years old. Most of my friends were still in college as I embarked on my motherhood journey. Even though I didn’t really know anyone else at the time who was in the same life-stage as I was, I felt confident and content in my choice to be a stay-at-home mom. I couldn’t imagine not being home with my new baby as we figured out how to navigate all of the incredible yet terrifying things that new parents encounter. There were so many things I was unprepared for when I became a mom. Sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, and how to grow from a couple to a family of three are the things that stand out to me the most. Something I never saw coming was the judgement from other moms about my choice to stay home rather than have a career.
It was baffling to me. Why did anyone else care what I was doing? Did my choice to raise my son full-time impact them in some way that I was unaware of? Should I be doing something differently? Was I “just” a mom now and had no other identity? The answer to all of these questions is unequivocally no.
Prior to having children, I was blissfully unaware that there was a mom battle raging on in our society. Working Moms vs. Stay at Home Moms. Who was better? Who does more for their family? Who loves their children more? It was shocking. “Aren’t you bored staying home?” I was asked by a working mom that first year. Not too long after that, someone actually said to me, “Don’t you want to DO something?” Yikes. Was I not doing something by raising my son? As far as I knew, all of my efforts day in and day out was something. Caring for a baby twenty-four hours a day, supporting my husband who was in the military at the time, and maintaining my household certainly felt like something to me. Over the years I’ve heard a lot of negative comments about staying at home with your children. One mother made a comment to me that when a mom works outside the home, it is far better for her and for her children. The problem with that statement is that it assumes every family and every woman is the same. Motherhood isn’t one-size-fits-all. It is constantly changing and is so unique to each family and circumstance.
I have a very good friend who works full-time in one of the most demanding and stressful fields you could imagine. She is an incredible mother, puts her family first, and I wouldn’t dream of questioning her decision to continue working after having kids. I have stay at home mom friends who are amazing moms, some of whom question at times whether they should go back to work. Others wouldn’t have it any other way! Another good friend of mine has gone from working full time, to staying at home, and back to part time all within one year. She was doing what was best for her family and their current circumstances and I so admire the way she handled those huge changes. She too, is a phenomenal mother. My own mom worked for most of my childhood, and I’ll forever be in awe of how she managed it all. We are all blessed to live in a place and time when we have the option to work or to stay home with our kids.
When I chose to stay home, I didn’t give up on my hopes and dreams. I didn’t settle for something less-than. I wasn’t trapped into being a stereotypical woman. I didn’t lose my identity or my independence. I decided to pour everything I had into raising my children at home because that is what works best for my family and my children. Women don’t have expiration dates and they have a lot of life left after their kids are grown. No one needs to be concerned that I don’t have a career, I can have that anytime if I choose to. I can raise my children once. We have one shot at this, and I am confident that I am right where I need to be while I do it.
Is it always crafts, baking, and smiles? Nope! It can be so hard. Life for stay-at-home moms is exhausting and can sometimes feel mundane with the repetitive and seemingly insignificant tasks. It’s easy to feel like you exist to do laundry, dishes, and carpool. I don’t have designated breaks or bring home a paycheck. My job is not glamorous. But what I’m doing matters. Even if I don’t always feel seen or appreciated for every little thing, I take comfort knowing that God sees me. He sees my effort and knows my heart.
“Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 I say this verse to my kids when they don’t put in their best effort on something, whether it’s taking out the garbage or completing a homework assignment. I hope you can find encouragement in this verse, especially if you ever feel like the things you do each day aren’t grand enough or exciting enough.
The thing is, we don’t have to compare stay at home moms to working moms. Moms should be supporting, respecting, and encouraging each other no matter what their journeys look like or what our differences are. Being a mom is hard enough, why waste our precious energy judging the way another mom contributes to her family? I imagine we all have a similar goal in mind. To raise our children to be honest, kind, confident, and successful adults. What does it matter how we get there?
One of the most beautiful truths about our lives is that it doesn’t matter if we have the approval of a single person on this planet. Ultimately, the only approval we need to seek is God’s. It’s the only thing that matters, the only voice that matters. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to shut out the judgement that moms face and the lies they sometimes believe about themselves. Whether you’re working or staying home there are challenges. There is no way to do this perfectly, but we can give it our best right? That looks different for every mom.
So, if you’re a stay-at-home mom and you’ve struggled with negative comments, pressure to go back to work, or with your choice to be home with your kids, you’re not the only one. My encouragement to you is to try to find contentment in your decision and don’t allow the nonsense of this world to get you down. There is honor and value in what you do for your family each day! Have courage and keep going. If you believe you are doing what’s best for you and your loved ones, then you are exactly where you need to be.
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Read more of Maria’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
