What age and grade do your younger children have to be before you leave them at a birthday party without you? This is a question a friend of mine asked me recently and I thought it was a good one. My older kids are eleven and thirteen, so we have had some birthday party experience over the years. Birthday party etiquette is one of those little things most of us hadn’t given any thought to before having children. When you realize your child is old enough to drop off at a social gathering without you, it can feel a little bit surreal or even scary. In the blink of an eye, they went from holding your hand everywhere you go to being their own little person and having interactions with other kids that we aren’t a part of. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just different. I know some moms who have been very overwhelmed at the thought of leaving their child at a party without them and others who don’t give it a second thought. If you’re just entering that phase and aren’t really sure how to navigate it, I hope that sharing some of my experience along the way might encourage you!
First, there is no one size fits all answer to that question. It is situationally dependent based off your child’s personality and maturity level, as well as the hosts of the party. From what I’ve seen over the years, if your child is between kindergarten and second grade it is perfectly acceptable to stay with them at a birthday party. If I’m the one sending out the invitations for that age group, I usually include something like, “Feel free to drop off your child or stay for the party!” That way parents don’t have to ask and can decide either way what they are comfortable with. I’ve had parents drop off their children at my son’s sixth birthday party who have never met me or been to my home. They just waved from the car and took off, no questions asked. I also know families who don’t allow their ten-year-old’s to be at a party without them.
The biggest factor for me has always been how well we know the child and their family. Has my child already been to their house for a playdate? Do we ever chat with their parents and get an idea of who they are and what their house rules are? There are certain things that are perfectly acceptable to ask another family before deciding if your child can go to a party. That being said, there are also things that are inappropriate to ask about. I once had another mom say to me, “My child can come to your house once I know everything about you. Everything!” Yikes. Getting a feel for someone is one thing, but demanding to know everything about their life and family is unrealistic and offensive. If you are feeling the urge to interview a family before allowing your child to attend a party, it’s probably safe to say you aren’t ready to leave them without you.
I’ve also had a parent give me a sales pitch as to why it would be alright for my son to stay the night at their home for a fourth-grade sleep over when my son had never even been there for a playdate. It felt very forced, and I was happy with my decision in the end not to have him stay the night. Especially after finding out that during the few hours he was there his friend turned on a horror movie while the mom was downstairs and had no idea.
When I’ve received invitations in the past for younger kid parties and I don’t know the family very well, I usually just text the parents and check that it’s alright I hang out with my child. It is usually the expectation that parents of children in the younger elementary years stick around for the party. At the end of the day, you are the mom, and you know your child better than anyone. Do what you feel comfortable with and trust your instincts while allowing your kids to grow in their independence and relationships with others whenever possible. Sometimes they get nervous in a new setting just like adults do. If you are dropping them off, just make sure they know they can ask to call you at any time and to let the parents at the party know if they need anything.
Here are a few extra tips to keep little kid birthday parties as stress-free as possible:
*Keep it simple! Despite the trends of today’s over-the-top parties, you can still have a low-key birthday party for your child that will be meaningful and awesome! Grab a bubble wand, stickers, or a fun lollipop to hand out as a party favor. Invite a handful of kids your child likes to be around (or even one or two!), bake a cake or serve brownies and ice cream, and play a few simple games. If you love elaborate decorations, a giant bag of party favors, ordering an extravagant cake, and having 25 five-year-olds in your back yard-that’s great, too! But for the moms that don’t want to take on all of that, just know that simple is still very special.
*Be realistic about the time frame. One of my sons was invited to a birthday party in first grade that was five hours long! That is a long time for a bunch of six-year-olds to be at someone else’s house. He had fun but when I picked him up, he was almost in tears because that level of chaos for so long had him at his limit! Most parties for young kids only last 2-3 hours. If you want to avoid serving a meal and prefer some snacks and dessert, aim for an afternoon party between lunch and dinner. It still leaves you and your family lots of time to clean up and have a relaxing evening after all the excitement!
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