We all want the very best for our children, but it’s impossible to do everything right all the time. Admitting that is freeing – and it’s also encouraging to other moms in the midst of intense seasons. That’s the idea behind our Monday Mom Confessions and we’d love for you to join us – share your own confession in the comments below! Let’s throw off the weight of perfection and get real around here!
There is a trend in mothering. You must do increasingly more. Your children will be deprived emotionally if you are not constantly engaged.
Thousands upon thousands of words have been written dedicated solely to put down the phone, be more available, turn off the computer, and engage more.
And I’m not here to argue those things are bad. They are most certainly good. But they are not the whole of good parenting.
There are benefits to lazy mothering. And I’m beginning to see them.
Lately I’ve been doing a fair amount of parenting from the couch, laptop perched precariously on my knees while I organize or edit photos, work on various writing projects, or do behind-the-scenes stuff for AllMomDoes. Last month it was because I was Christmas shopping on Amazon and searching for holiday recipe inspiration.
And sometimes I’m just watching football.
{There’s always a reason, isn’t there?}
And so, I’d be on my couch and I’d hear my kids fighting in the playroom. I could have gone in there and implemented some sort of fantastical parenting intervention, but I didn’t. Instead I yelled, “Knock it off, you two. You’ve got a lot of years left to live together and you need to figure out how to get along. If I have to come in there, everyone’s in time out.”
And somehow, the fighting ceased.
Then there was the day I was entrenched in a project and my son wanted hot chocolate. From my comfortable position on the couch, I walked him through it. “Climb up on the counter and get a coffee mug. Got it? Okay…fill it with water. Next, get the step stool and put it in the microwave. Press the buttons. Stick your finger in the water to see if the temperature is okay…”
And he made his own hot chocolate.
I could have gone in there and done it for him, but he wouldn’t have learned how to do it himself. I could have gone in there and walked him through the process to teach him, right by his side, but that wouldn’t have built his confidence that he was truly capable of doing it on his own.
It didn’t take long to see that new confidence in action. The next morning I was snuggling on the couch with my kids, and the little one started driving her brother crazy. He retreated to his room, his respite {most of the time} from his annoying little sister. Moments later he came out, shuffled past us into the kitchen, and got out the toaster.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I thought I’d make breakfast for me and Brynna,” my 6-year-old replied.
And make breakfast, he did. Prior to this he hadn’t even mentioned breakfast. He was confident enough to take it upon himself and do it independently.
After he’d finished, I got up off the couch. I took his little face in my hands and I thanked him for being such a big boy. I thanked him for being kind to his sister and making her breakfast even though she’d been bothering him all morning.
And he smiled wide and said, “It makes me feel proud when I can do things by myself.”
Friends, that’s my definition of parenting success.
To be sure, my intentions in the moment were not nearly so noble as to believe I was purposefully helping my child develop confidence, independence, and self-efficacy. My couch-based parenting was rooted in pure laziness.
But it’s proof that good can still come out of it.
You don’t just have take my word for it. There’s actually research to back the idea that we cause psychological harm to our children “when we do for our kids what they can already do for themselves” {even when our intentions are good and we’re just trying to serve them or help them out}.*
As mamas, we’re busy. Or sick. Or tired. And there is most certainly a time to turn off the technology, get off the couch, and fully engage.
But if today’s not the day that you can do that, it’s okay. You can parent well from the couch.
There really are benefits to lazy mothering.
*Research by Dr. Madeline Levine as cited in How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims
What’s your Monday Mom Confession? Tell us in the comments!
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