Since the beginning of time, has there ever been a perfect mother?
I think we all know the answer to that question. No. No, there has not. But we try and we do our best, and for those who had a mom who was less than perfect (even WAY less) it can be hard to give your kids the things you never received from your own mother.
“Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.” Isaiah 49:15
Today I will dip my toe in a hard topic – Toxic Mothers. Some of you may have had one, some of you may wonder if you are one.
First, a quick definition: Psychologist Dr. Perpetua Neo defines a toxic mom like this:
“A toxic mother is an energy vampire who cannot and will not love you or care for you, no matter how she ticks some boxes that allegedly look like she cares … She is exhausting, frustrating, and has no qualms about hurting anyone, because she thrives on the attention and drama.”
So many videos have popped into my feed lately about toxicity in mothers. In one, three siblings were discussing their mother’s behavior at the sister’s wedding. The mom decided that during the ceremony, it was the perfect time to yell insults at her ex-husband. This mother figured that the bride wasn’t as important as she was, and she was completely unrepentant about her actions.
The second video was of actress Kathy Bates. She won an academy award early in her career and her mom’s comment to her was: “What’s the big deal, it’s not like you cured cancer.” Kathy had carried around the guilt of not remembering to thank her mom in her speech for all these years. She figured that was why her mom was so snotty about her win. The interviewer had to go back and show Kathy that she had in fact thanked her mom. Kathy teared up and whispered, “Thank you”. All these years she had felt so much guilt when in fact she had done nothing wrong.
The world tends to think that believers had perfect childhoods and that we are naïve to the struggles the rest of the world faces. Nothing could be further from the truth. Many of us had childhoods as traumatic as those who claim perpetual victimhood, anger, and hate. We have just chosen a different path. We have chosen God and the beautiful healing that comes with Him.
Perhaps the first sign you have/had a toxic mom is that your relationship with her will likely be strained. You will probably feel guilt that you have done something wrong to make her toxic, and you will certainly wonder why she is the way she is. If it helps, often toxic moms are toxic because their mothers were toxic too.
Still confused? Here are some characteristics to look for.
Attention Seeking: Toxic moms want the attention to be on them at all times and they are pros at bringing it back to themselves. They cannot deal when the spotlight is on someone else. Weddings, graduations, and birthdays are perfect examples of times when toxic moms may act up.
Weirdly Jealous: Everyone is a rival to them, even their own children. You may notice that if you are happy in life or you got a new job or are in a good relationship, your mom will be prickly and snarky and will try to bring you down with mean comments or actions.
They Stir up Fights: My own toxic mother loved to call each of us siblings (her children) and stir up trouble between us. We learned that we had to check in with each other to find out what the truth actually was. Innocent actions or words were turned into heinous crimes by her if it could stir up trouble. She loved drama and wanted to be the hub that everyone turned to.
They Belittle You: If your mom is dealing with her own stuff (and of course she is) she may make harsh comments about you, your weight, your decisions, really anything you do in life. It may help you to realize that these comments have little to do with you and are really her own issues.
They Play the Victim: This is an offshoot of wanting all the attention. Mom might say, “I did so much for you and you ignore me” or “Woe is me, no one loves me”. My mom used to say, “That’s all right, I’m just the mother” whenever we made a decision without her input.
They Monopolize the Conversation: Toxic moms aren’t really interested in anything you have to say. It’s all about them, after all. Children of toxic mothers aren’t allowed to vent or talk about their feelings or problems. The toxic mom will interrupt and talk about her own stuff.
There Will be no Healthy Boundaries: Your mom might show up at your home uninvited and ignore your requests for fewer phone calls, etc. When I made it clear that I wanted it to be just me and my husband at the hospital when I had my first child, my mom literally drove around the hospital parking lot every day until she saw our car and then popped in because “she just happened to be in the neighborhood”.
They Let You Down: New moms need their moms to be there to listen and support them. If you have a toxic mom, you probably won’t get that. They will tell you that they can’t handle any more stress, or they’re busy, or any other excuse not to have to help you. It becomes easier to just not ask. I really suffered as a new mom. My husband worked seven days a week and with long shifts and a long commute, he was gone twelve hours a day. I would call my mom crying and she would list off all the things she “had” to do that day. If I was lucky, she would breeze in with a boyfriend in tow, kiss the baby and breeze out again.
Yes, I was one of those people who had a toxic mother. I have given just a few examples of her toxicity. I could easily have listed multiple examples for every single one of these traits. Here’s the thing though, my mom gave me wonderful examples of what I didn’t want to do to my own kids. That was a gift in a weird way.
I eventually chose to go to counseling and it was the best decision I ever made. There are still believers who will do their best to talk you out of therapy and I ran into some of them. But for me, counseling changed my life and healed so many of my past hurts. I can now remember my mom with a smile on my face. Was she toxic? Sure, she was. But she had so much pain of her own. Part of me wants to travel back in time and just hold her. I would love to tell her that I understand now and that I’m so sorry for the pain she felt in her own life.
As I said above, the world tends to think that we believers have perfect lives and that we came from perfect families. That is so not true. We come from more backgrounds than you could count. Some followers do try and portray a perfect life to the outside world (think social media influencers). They may think that by being and acting perfect, their faith is stronger. That façade of perfection is hardly helpful to struggling people.
I can say now that I’m humbled that God drew me to Him in spite of my background. And I am so blessed with the empathy I gained from living a less than perfect life.
If you have read all this, it is most likely that you too had a toxic parent and are trying to give more to your own children. I’m so proud of you. By breaking the pattern of toxicity, you are a blessing not only to your family but to the whole world.
“For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.” Psalm 27:10
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Read more of Ann’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
