Parenting Pre-PRE-Teens

There is a phase of child development that I call: The pre-PRE-teen years. The pre-teen years start at age nine and continue until thirteen, but I’m hearing more parents say that their child has started acting like a tween as early as five or six years old.

Kids are exposed to so much more, so much earlier than ever before. They’re being forced to process information and images that are hard for adults to handle. And, no matter how careful you are, they’re exposed to them at friends’ houses, at recess and in advertising. Perhaps this is why the tween years are hitting so early.

To make life even more fun, the change in your child will occur seemingly overnight. One day you have a sweet, mommy-loving child and the next you have a snarling troll with an attitude living in your house.

My first two kids were girls and let me tell you, their pre-teen years were not fun (the teen years were actually a breeze in comparison).

Here are some tips I picked up along the way:

Don’t take their behavior personally. Yes, your little angel has suddenly turned into a crabby monster, but it’s not personal. It’s an important part of their development. Their bodies, their brains and their whole world is changing. They know more than they ever did before and yet they feel lost. It’s awful to feel out of control and they need your unconditional love even when they don’t “deserve” it.
Keep the “phone” lines open. As your tweens turn to their peers more and more (leaving you in the dust) you may be tempted to pull away from them to “even the score”. Don’t. They need you now more than ever. Sure, they’ll only make guttural sounds when you ask them a direct question and they’ll cop an attitude when forced to be with family, but be ready when they need to talk. Watch for the little signs. Maybe they’ll seek you out with a crabby word or two. This is the time to put down whatever you are doing and listen.
Listen more than you talk. During the pre and pre-PRE teen years, lectures don’t work. Instead, I used to talk about issues I had at work and then ask my tweens how they would handle it. They had surprisingly mature ideas, they felt validated and heard, and they were more apt to talk about their own issues when I listened to them.
Keep it short. If your child has defied you one too many times and you need to discipline, keep it short. As stated above, lectures don’t work. By picking on their siblings or acting up, they may really be saying, “I need to be alone.” Send them to their room. They may say, “Good, I want to go!” It’s a win-win for everybody.
Showing remorse is weakness. This seems to be the attitude of every pre-teen in my life. All parents want to see is some remorse for bad behavior. I warn you now, you probably won’t see it in the heat of the moment. I promise you, your child will not grow up to be a serial killer. Just repeat the reasons you expect good behavior and then send them to their room to think on it.
Don’t give ultimatums. It’s so tempting to use any means to yank back power from the little tyrants living in your home. “If you don’t … I’ll …” becomes a part of every conflict. Avoid falling into this trap. No one wins. Again, just explain your expectations and send them away to think on them.
Check your boundary lines. Some of the boundaries you set in place when your child was young do not apply anymore. Some will have to be moved as they need more freedom. But, some boundaries need to be set in stone. Blatant disrespect, crude language and physical violence are examples of boundaries I never moved (no matter how hard my tweens pushed).
Let them keep some secrets. Don’t try and force information out of a belligerent tween. Parents who want to know everything can alienate their kids. I watched this happen in my birth family. My mom would grill my brother at the dinner table and then critique whatever he finally shared. Years later, he told me that he vividly remembers thinking, “I will never tell this woman anything ever again.” That mistake colored their relationship forever.
The indirect approach. Direct questions like: “How was school?” don’t work anymore. The toddler days where your child tells you everything (even how often they poop) are over. As stated above, listening is the key. Ignore the tendency to problem solve. Instead, let them share ideas when they’re ready. And, then you can ask them questions about how they plan to solve the issues in their lives. Help them find solutions instead of giving them the answers.
Be careful what you say. At this age, your kids are watching and listening to you (whether it seems like it or not). They take in your talk about other people, especially their peers, so be careful what you say. If they think you are being overly judgmental and critical, they’ll be less likely to share anything with you. Of course, you have to stand firm on safety issues (inappropriate social media posts, etc.) but you can choose to do so without calling their friends names or commenting on how dumb their parents must be.
No is the magic word. Your tweens are still your kids to nurture and raise in the way you see fit. That means that no matter what their friends are doing or watching, you make the rules in your house. Here’s a weird fact: Your tween will beg you to do something that they really don’t want to do! Let that sink in. Don’t try to be the cool mom. I can’t tell you how many times my kids came to me later (after throwing a fit) and said, “Thanks for saying no, mom.”
Be open for talks about sex and drugs. No matter how you protect them, your kids will run into situations that will challenge them (and much earlier than you expect). Some parents invest in good books on the subject and keep them in the bookshelves. That way kids can read the books when they’re ready and come to them with questions later. It’s helpful for tweens to know why using drugs or being sexually active is harmful for them.
Sense of humor. I love this one most of all. Living with a hormonal, crabby, snotty person all the time will try the patience of anyone. That’s where a little humor comes in. It helps your tween to know where the power truly lies, but in a fun way. Keep up with family jokes (that don’t hurt your tween’s self-esteem) and let them see you laughing. The tween years are hard (on everyone). A little laughter can ease the tension.