Pornography has unfortunately been given a place in our world to expand and grow exponentially over time. Inevitably, its impact is felt in countless lives, and its toll on marriages has yet to be fully recognized. As a wife, you may have recently discovered your husband is addicted to pornography, and like many women feel you’ve been unwillingly brought into a nightmarish experience, where the one you love and trust has violated a sacred marital and sexual bond between you.
If you find yourself in this situation, you may be wondering whether it is possible to recover the pain of this type of experience. The answer is yes, but it takes time and a willingness to address the resulting pain and vulnerabilities that are so often acutely felt by women who know all too well the impact of spousal betrayal and pornography addiction. This article is aimed at providing an initial roadmap to helping you walk through your healing process.
The Trauma of Discovery
Discovering your husband is addicted to pornography can be a traumatic experience that shakes you to your core. It’s imperative to understand this is not an overreaction, but response to the painful loss of an essential trust and security in your marriage. As humans, we are deeply relational beings who thrive on having close, secure and loving relationships with others. In a marriage, these components are essential to formulating the trust we place in our spouse to nurture the emotional bonds between us and remain faithful. When this trust is broken, it generates unspeakable pain.
And yet, in spite of this pain, you likely still have a great desire to see your marriage heal and rebuild the emotional connection with your husband. Though this may be true, it doesn’t negate the fear of being hurt again, the uncertainty as to whether your husband may return to his addiction in the future, or the insecurities resulting from this type of discovery:
- “Am I not good enough?”
- “Why would you lie to me all this time?”
- “How can I ever trust you again?”
- “Were you really thinking about me when we had sex?”
There is no doubt in my mind these questions are central to the healing process, and they must be thoroughly understood and addressed if marital healing is to be restored. If you find yourself asking these questions and facing this fear of being hurt more than you already are, you don’t need to carry these emotional weights on your own.
Obtaining Needed Support
Effectively working through the trauma of a partner’s addiction is something which requires the support of others who can provide the encouragement and stability essential to healing from the resulting pain, grief, and loss. Making the decision to seek support allows you to directly face those emotions, while empowering you to better understand yourself, consider the boundaries needed for you to heal and follow through in keeping them in place.
Reaching out to trusted individuals, including pastors, family members and friends can be important in this regard, since they are generally those who’ve already shown themselves to be supportive and trustworthy over time. I would also encourage you to consider reaching out to a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), who specializes in working with women whose husbands are caught in the bonds of pornography addiction.
Shelley Bartels and Preeti Shah are two such individuals, who in recent correspondence with me affirmed the centrality of women seeking support in working through their partner’s sex addiction:
Shelley Bartels: “One of the first steps in moving forward in your healing is to understand how vulnerable you are when you operate from the perspective that when he stops (acting out) you’ll feel better. When you recognize and own the power you have right now to begin healing and thriving regardless of his choices, you are moving forward towards solutions for your pain. I encourage you to choose to support yourself.” 1
Preeti Shah: “Too many partners stay hidden, feeling the emotions, holding the questions, holding false beliefs about themselves, and suffering in their pain alone. Isolation is what will continue the negative impacts of this betrayal. Community will help break through the isolation and offer you the experience of connection. You are not alone in your pain.” 2
There is a great deal of wisdom in their statements. As a Marriage & Family Therapist who works with many couples reeling from the effects of sexual addiction, I can affirm that wives who seek support to care for themselves make inroads to healing that I seldom see women experience when they rely on their husband’s recovery process alone.
Boundaries
I want to begin this section by affirming “you are not the cause of your husband’s addiction and you are not the remedy.” I make this statement not only as a matter of truth regarding addiction, but as an example of an emotional boundary. Your ability to identify and set needed emotional and physical boundaries with your husband are incredibly important, and though they may feel like barriers to marital healing, they are fundamental to achieving that aim.
Knowing how far you are willing to go emotionally, physically and sexually with your husband after discovering his porn addiction serves as one form of this protective barrier, allowing you the time and space needed to function emotionally and sort out what you need to heal. Just as a seawall prevents the sea from flooding an important area of land, your boundaries will protect you from unnecessary violations of your heart and body in the days ahead. Shelley Bartels stated the following regarding this notion of boundaries:
“One of the best goals to focus on for your own healing is to learn how to create safety for yourself through the effective use of boundaries. Choosing to protect yourself, as an act of self-care, is not a punishment of the other person; boundaries are not something you do to another person, boundaries are something you do for your own self-care, well-being and protection. Learning how to communicate your boundaries and how to respond if your boundaries are crossed is an important part of your healing and self care. When you are able to practice protecting yourself by holding boundaries, and when you understand your own limits and have healed your wounds, you are in a much better place to discern what is right for you in your relationship.” 1
Joined to this notion of boundaries lies your emotions, the impact they have upon the decisions you make after discovering a spouse’s addiction, and matters of safety. Preeti Shah addressed these elements by stating:
“In the experience of a crisis, instincts can sometimes compel you to act quickly. which can sometimes lead to regrets. It is common to think, “Does this mean we need to separate or even divorce?” In situations in which safety is concerned, considering these options is important and immediate action may need to be taken. In other situations, giving yourself permission to slow down, to process your feelings and sort out healthy boundaries, will allow you to make decisions that you feel confident in. Slowing down is hard because pain, questions, and self criticism that come up can seem unbearable, but if you move too quickly you may not fully heal from this hurt. If you slow down and choose to sort out the personal impacts, find a qualified therapist who specializes in sexual behavior and impacts on partners (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, CSAT). Having a qualified therapist walking you through this process is invaluable. He or she can help create a safe space to guide you through the process of healing any negative impacts (such as low self-worth or self-esteem issues) caused by his pornography behavior and help you set healthy appropriate boundaries. 2
Their statements reinforce the need for boundaries and the benefit of having support in determining and setting those boundaries. Though reaching out to others for support may feel intimating, embarrassing or risky, the overall benefit of having the courage to do so can be invaluable in helping you move forward emotionally and maritally.
Matters of Faith
A partner’s addiction, along with feelings of betrayal, may lead to you wonder why God would allow you to go through such an experience. I admit, this is an incredibly hard matter to address. However, I can say God makes it clear that when we do go through hardships, He is with us and will give us the grace and strength necessary to walk through whatever we happen to face in life (2 Corinthians 12:3-10).
Moreover, we know that Satan is seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8), but that he doesn’t get the opportunity to rejoice in succeeding when we choose to remain close the Lord:
No weapon formed against you shall prosper,
And every tongue which rises against you in judgment
You shall condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their righteousness is from Me,
Says the Lord. (Isaiah 54:17)
Therefore, my prayer is that you will find yourself turning to the Lord during this time, versus away from him, holding tightly to His love and knowing the stability of His presence in your life, especially when your marriage and everything in your world feels unstable. And my hope is that you will have the courage to seek the support of other believers, to be edified and emboldened as the apostles were when they turned towards their brethren after being told to no longer teach in the name of Jesus (Acts 4:23-31), and to seek out appropriate counseling resources as part of your overall healing process.
Remember, the enemy may have tried to use pornography, something sinful and dark, to ruin your life and your husband’s, but don’t give him the glory of bringing you down. Vehemently fight back by standing firmly on the promises of God’s word, and relying on the abiding love and grace continually offered through Jesus Christ our Lord.
– Eric Gomez, MS LMFT MHP
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Local Counseling Resources
If you would like more information on healing from the discovery of a husband’s pornography addiction, or are interested in making an inquiry into counseling for yourself, there are incredible resources you can turn to in the Greater Seattle area:
- Shelley Bartels, MA LMHC, CSAT
- Preeti Shah, MACP, LMHC, CSAT
- Heidi Monuteaux, MA, LMHC, CSAT
- Justin Monuteaux, MA, MBA, LMHC, CSAT Candidate
- Chris Chandler MA, LMHC, CSAT
Either one of these individuals can provide the information, resources or treatment needed to help you and your husband work through the effects of the addiction and begin rebuilding the trust and security in your marriage.
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References
- Bartels, S. (2017). Written summary on steps women can take to heal from a spouse’s porn addiction.
- Shah, P. (2017). Written summary on steps women can take to heal from a spouse’s porn addiction.
