Say Something

An exhaustive list of things I’m pretty good at: keeping calm in a crisis, folding towels, baking sugar cookies, and sticking my foot in my mouth. The latter isn’t exactly something I’m proud of, but am gifted at nonetheless. I have a real knack for: bashing someone who is standing right behind me, sharing my opinion of something that not only differs from but also offends the crowd, and bringing up The Taboo Topic in just about any given scenario. And because I have such a penchant for cramming my foot in my mouth, I am sometimes tempted to err on the side of caution and just keep my big mouth shut instead of speaking up and possibly saying the wrong thing.

Here’s the problem with that: sometimes it’s better to get it wrong than to play it safe.

There are some scenarios in which my silence can do more harm than if I were to totally botch my presentation. For example, I have a friend whose son died of cancer a year ago on Mother’s Day. Gut wrenching. I cannot wrap my mind around the grief she must feel every single day. This year our church organized a card shower to bless her on the anniversary of his death. The plan was announced weeks ahead of time and we were reminded a few days before. I had every intention of penning a note but every time I sat down to do it, I was blank. And so I just didn’t. Mother’s Day rolled around and my friend posted a lovely photo and a heartfelt thanks to all those who had sent cards. There were probably dozens of cards. I guarantee that none of them said anything that took away her heartache, but just knowing that so many folks loved her, touched her. Sadly, I hadn’t added anything to that moment, because I was too scared that I’d get it wrong. Sometimes there just isn’t a “right”.

Racism is being talked about a lot in our world right now. As a white woman, I simply cannot understand some of the atrocities that my friends of color have faced. I feel ill equipped to say much on the topic of race, even after years of deliberate work and soul searching on the topic. And so, when things seem to erupt in our society, it is awfully tempting to say nothing because saying the wrong thing seems like it could be so harmful and hurtful. And it could.

But so can silence.

I can be pretty self righteous sometimes. I put the weight of the problem on my shoulders. I assume the responsibility of fixing things. Here’s the rub: I cannot fix systemic racism. But I can tell my Black friends that I see them and that I want to stand with them. I don’t need to offer elaborate oratory on my feelings. Nor do I need to give a detailed dissertation on what I plan to do to be part of the solution. But I do need to voice my support, because I believe that is valuable right now. I need to swallow my pride and be willing to accept the possibility that I might get it wrong, might say the wrong thing. And know that if someone loves me enough to correct me, I’ve got a pretty special friend.

I’ve found that in those moments when I genuinely don’t know what to say, I can just say that. I can literally say, “I don’t have the right words, but I see you. I see your hurt and I stand with you.” I’ve found that simply saying, “I love you” is enough and is much better than saying nothing at all. Words matter, friendships matter, speaking up matters. Be humble enough to accept the possibility you won’t get it exactly right every time. Be willing to put yourself out there and show support when it matters.

Say something.

It matters.