Do you ever feel like you would rather move to another state than sit through another uncomfortable, frustrating family get-together? Maybe, like me, you’ve even sat down with your spouse over the years and seriously considered if this was a possibility for you and your children. Navigating family dynamics has hands-down been one of the most difficult things I’ve experienced as an adult. Nothing could have prepared me for some of the predicaments that my husband and I have found ourselves in with our extended families over the course of our nearly seventeen years of marriage.
Some situations have been heartbreaking to go through, some have been incredibly awkward or stressful, and some have absolutely pushed us to our limit. Regardless of how each situation arose with our families, the common theme for my husband and I was that we wanted it to be fixed.
We couldn’t imagine a way to keep things the same without building up so much resentment that the relationship was irreparable, but we also knew that a path to peace would take some very honest and uncomfortable discussions. Feeling stressed and on edge on your way to a holiday gathering or family celebration is miserable. It’s not only exhausting for parents to navigate, but our children can feel that tension. That’s when my husband and I knew something had to give. Through the years, each time something has come up that we truly can’t ignore with our families, we’ve had to make a decision: fight for a healthy relationship with them or move to another state. Yes, that sounds a bit dramatic, doesn’t it?
Well, if you too have experienced anything like I’ve just described, then you can probably relate to having that urge to put physical space between you and an extended family member (or many of them!). Sometimes it feels as if that could be the only way to save the relationship and our sanity. The thought is that if we were far away, even when we did visit, it would ideally be more about quality of time spent and less about the stressors and dysfunction.
There can be so much pressure on us not to throw a wrench in family dynamics, no matter how toxic they seem to be at times. No one wants to be seen as the “bad guy” or the one who ruffled feathers. I can tell you with absolute certainty that when your goal is peace, it is better to take the risk and ruffle the feathers than to brush it under the rug. This is especially true when you see your families on a regular basis and there are things hurting your relationship that just can’t be pushed aside. At least not if you truly wish for a healthy and lasting relationship as opposed to a kind-of-cordial, surface level one.
Boundaries are hard. We teach our children how to have boundaries in their relationships starting in the toddler years! How to communicate their feelings in a proper way, how to behave so that things will go as smoothly as possible for them. The thing is, most of us don’t expect to have to set boundaries with our own parents, siblings, in-laws, or other family members as adults. It’s not fun. If you’ve had to go down this difficult road, there’s a chance that you were able to resolve things on the first go. There’s also a chance that like me, you’ve had things pop up time and time again over the years, each time praying it will be the last difficult conversation you’ll have to have.
I’ve learned that ultimately, seeking the approval of God is what matters. Coming to that realization has brought me such peace! It can be so hard to say something to the people you love. In many cases, it may not be met with understanding. It may seem to them that you are “going against” them. Your family members may react defensively or spitefully. The important thing is why you are doing it. The intention behind the concerns you bring to them is what matters. Is it out of judgment or pride? Or is it out of love, concern, or hope for a better relationship?
If the moment does arise, having a spirit of forgiveness and grace is crucial. If you’re married, a vital component to setting boundaries with family is ensuring you’re both on the same page. When you’re a team and you’re unified with your spouse, it’s going to be easier to weather any storm-especially those involving each other’s families.
Going down a bumpy path is sometimes the only way to reach a smooth one. It just might be the only way for you and your spouse to breathe a sigh of relief and have tensions eased. Even if it hurts, even if it means needing space from family members that you love, it’s ok to stick to what you believe is right and what is best for your family in your quest for peace.
Galatians 1:10: Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Whenever we have gone through these difficult times with family, I prayed every day for God to give us peace in the relationship, whatever that looked like. Not what I thought it should look like. I prayed for the Lord to guide my words and give my husband and I wisdom. The results might not be what you hoped for and I can’t promise you that everything will be resolved, but if you find yourself at a crossroads and desperate for boundaries, I have found that taking the risk is worth it. Voicing concerns and putting in the effort means that you care about the longevity of the relationship.
Romans 12:18 says “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This verse has stuck with me year after year, especially as we’ve had to navigate the many ups and downs of boundaries with family. I don’t believe that living at peace with everyone means we are under an obligation to allow unhealthy dynamics, boundaries, and problematic relationships to continue just to avoid conflict. If that conflict has the potential to keep resentment from building up in your heart and can lead to healing, then it’s likely worth the suffering you might face in the moment.
Even when our boundary-setting has led to a considerable amount of space being needed between us and our family members, I was able to feel peace about it. There was absolutely sadness and disappointment for the situation, but there was also trust in God’s plan for our life and the emotional wellbeing of our family.
What are some of the ways you’ve set boundaries with your loved ones? Did you move across the country, did you go to counseling, or did a deep chat over a cup of coffee ease the tension and lead to healing? Maybe you have yet to cross that bridge but you can feel that it’s coming. If so, I pray that you will find peace, that healthy boundaries will be set and respected, and that your family will thrive for generations to come.
“There is no perfect life, no perfect job, no perfect childhood, no perfect marriage and no perfect set of people who will always do what we expect them to do. What we have is a perfect God who is able to lead us through this imperfect life with unfailing strength, incomparable wisdom, and infinite love.”-Elizabeth Elliot
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Read more of Maria’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
