Talking With Kids About Tragedy & Traumatic Events

Recent events have me looking at my children wondering how to talk to them about tragedy and the difficulties of this world. I’m grateful for resources that can help us as we try to grapple with hard stuff. In order to equip you with your own children, we’ve compiled some resources from trusted professionals.

Questions to Help Guide Hard Conversations

What are you worried or afraid about?
What are your friends talking and thinking about?
How have you been affected?
Talk about your core values. We hold on to the hope of Christ.
Allow children to express their emotions. Remind them that having a lot of emotions is normal.
Remind your child that you are there if they want to talk at any time.
It’s okay to not have the answers, but you can still share how you struggle with your child and where you look for that hope and security.
Pray with your child.

Without factual information, children speculate to fill in the empty spaces so it is important that they know you are a safe place to have hard conversations. Reassure them. Encourage your child to share their feelings by sharing your feelings (in an age appropriate way!) Remember to look for the good. There is always heroism in the face of tragedy.

Strategies by Age Group

Ages Birth to 6

No media exposure to major traumatic events. Children at this age draw love and support from their parents so if they guardians feel safe, children will as well. Speak calmly about bad things. Parents should maintain a sense of calmness.

Ages 6-12

Children this age are more aware of the world around them, yet still need moms and dads to shield them from most of the bad news in our world. Very limited exposure to the media is recommended at this stage, with more open discussions about any fears or insecurities that the child is feeling. Talking is encouraged for this age group, or write letters to emergency workers to thank them for helping the victims. Drawing pictures allows for healthy emotional expression, and something everyone needs is just being held close. A hug can help bring security to a child. Also remember to have special times of prayer. These steps help children better deal with their fears about bad things that happen in the world.

Ages 12-18

Young students have their own impressions of traumatic events. The older they are, the more likely they will have strong opinions, and it is normal for them to process their feelings with friends. This should be balanced with family, teachers, clergy or counselors. They need time to verbally process how they feel about what happened ten years ago. Special emphasis should be placed on helping this age group talk through the issues and how it impacted them and not stay isolated. Silence is a warning sign that the crisis events of the past have been internalized. Strict limits on over exposure of media is essential to prevent anxiety or panic levels from rising.

How to Help Kids After a Tragedy

Listen carefully and compassionately.
Spend time with traumatized children. It’s always better to be together than alone after trauma.
Offer assistance and a listening ear. Reach out to people you haven’t heard from.
Reassure safety after danger has passed.
Help with everyday tasks.
Tragedy produces a lot of emotions. Crisis brings out the best and the worst. Don’t take these feelings personally.
Never use phrases like “Lucky it wasn’t worse.” Seek to tell them you are sorry the event occurred.
Connect with compassion and empathy. Avoid trying to ‘fix’ them.
Utilize professional grief counselors.
No one gets through a crisis alone. Talking through elevated stress after tragedy is essential.

Signs of Stress

Infants & Toddlers

Regression in sleeping, toilet training, eating. Slowing down in certain skills.
Difficulty with sleep.
Clinginess
Crankiness, temper tantrums, crying

3-5 Years of Age

Regression. Returning to security items, lapses in toilet training and other age appropriate behavior.
Bewildered. Making up fantasy stories.
Blaming themselves and feeling guilty.
Bedtime anxiety, fitful sleep, frequent waking.
Fear of being abandoned. Clinginess. Feelings of not being safe.
Greater irritability, aggression or temper tantrums

6-8 Years of Age

Pervasive sadness, specifically if they perceive they will be abandoned or rejected.
Crying and sobbing
Afraid of their worst fears coming true. “Catastrophizing”
Fantasies that the stressful event didn’t happen and that things will just ‘go back to normal.’
Overactive or over-involved to avoid thinking about stressful issues.
Feel ashamed of the crisis; or feel they are different from other children because of the crisis.

Adolescents

Fear of being isolated, lonely
Fear loss and stability and security from parents leaving them
Feel hurried to achieve independence party to escape crisis
Trying to over-achieve to forget the crisis
Worry about their own future, preoccupied with the survival of stable situations.
Chronic fatigue, difficulty concentrating. Physical complaints may indicate stuffed emotions.
Mourn the loss caused by the crisis or begin to understand that life can be a dangerous place.