The Default Parent

I like to get back to school shopping done with weeks to spare before school actually starts. It’s one of those things I prefer not to loom over my head as I try to fall asleep each night despite a dozen other things spinning in my mind. So, one day after summer camp, off the kids and I went to Target to get all the necessities. That night, we then went through the check lists again, labeled items and made sure it was all ready to roll despite the fact that we had over four weeks until school started.

My husband and I never had a conversation about school supplies. I never thought to. I am certain he never thought to either. While I know he absolutely would have handled it had I asked him to take on purchasing school supplies, I didn’t even think to ask him. Partly because I tend to micro-manage things and it’s likely I would have set him up for failure if he didn’t do it the exact way I wanted.

But partly because of another reason. I am the default parent.

“Default parent” will mean different things in each household. In some, it might mean it is the parent who takes on the majority of the day-to-day parenting and house tasks. In others, it might mean that the responsibilities are mostly shared but that one parent will lead how things are executed and keeping all the figurative balls in the air. The default parent often ensures things “magically” get done such as school supply shopping or scheduling well-child checkups. If there is a school form that needs signing or a birthday party invite that needs a reply, these are all things I typically handle as the default parent.

My husband and I both work full-time and don’t sit well in chaos or disorganization. That leads to us partnering well in order to keep the wheels turning on a busy life raising two kids who have busy schedules. However, don’t be fooled to think that partnership just came about naturally. It takes work. It takes communication and trial and error, on a somewhat regular basis.

But despite a strong partnership as we run our household, I have this invisible weight that I carry around at all times. I am constantly multi-tasking even if just in my head. I can be sitting by myself getting a pedicure attempting some “me” time, yet my head will be filled with things like coordinating carpool schedules or meal planning or a hundred other things.

As the default parent, I know not to just assume things will get done. Default parents have to make it happen or at least make the coordination happen. I am not always the one doing all the drop off and pick up but by default for whatever reason, I am always the one to coordinate it.

I believe that the “ask mom” mentality is sort of outdated with so many of women having careers and being just as if not busier than our spouses. However, I do also believe my household runs better with me taking on this default parent role. While I may not think to ask my husband to take on things like buying school supplies, I have learned that our household can only run well if I am sure to not attempt to actually take on all the hundred things in my head.

If you are struggling with being the default parent and overwhelmed with the “ask mom” weight many of us carry around, I’d encourage you to voice that feeling. Along with being wonderful and rewarding, motherhood can also be incredibly challenging and lonely. Talk to your spouse, pray, embrace your community with moms in your same season of mom-hood. Default parenting can work but not when it leads to it one person carrying the weight of the whole household.

Are you the default parent? Does your household run without a default parent? We’d love to hear!