Let me start by getting the elephant out of the room…no, I’m not pregnant. But, the older my little girl gets, the more I begin to ponder having another child. I miss rocking her to sleep at night, her tiny hands snuggled close. I often think about the first time she smiled, her first steps, the way her eyes light up in wonder. I want that back again, a new journey with an expanding family full of love and support. But there are thoughts that are holding me back. Insecurities that take over my daydreaming and cause me to pause and rethink.
Here’s the thing, I wasn’t skinny two years ago and I’m definitely not now. In fact, it’s been quite a while since I could call myself skinny. More than seven years’ worth of marriage. However, I was much smaller then than I am now. Thirty pounds smaller to be exact. I was pushing a size 16 and as unhappy as I was with my weight then, I’m a lot more unhappy with it now.
Let’s time travel for a moment. Two years ago I was struggling with a high-stress job. Back then, I thought I didn’t have any free time to myself. No time to cook or workout, or just simply take care of myself. My job was demanding and I often put in overtime. I was working towards an unseen goal. With all of the chaos, I gained weight and kept it on. I took a while, but I had gotten to a place where I had decided it wasn’t going anywhere. Now, with two years under my belt as a mom with a toddler, I realize how easy I had it! It’s significantly harder now to organize workouts when you have to work around bed times, dinner and the needs of other family members.
So here I am a size 18, pushing 20 realizing that I’m the biggest I’ve ever been in my life. If I gained a total of 30 brand new pounds with my last pregnancy, what would happen if I decided to do it all over again? Would I gain 30 more? And if I did, would I be stuck with it again, not able to find the time to regain a healthy weight? This thought terrifies me. I know that it shouldn’t be where my focus is at but like every other human, I can easily slip into negative thinking. What will my future body look like after another pregnancy?
I keep thinking if I can lose 20 or 30 pounds, I can get pregnant again and not have to worry so much. That way, if I gain weight I’ll be back to where I am now. But is that really fair? Should I hold back the joy of another family member because of my vanity? Then there’s the physical challenge of trying to drop that much weight. I’ve been trying for over a year to no avail. Yes, it’s a realistic goal for some but I’m not sure if it is for me.
I will say this, no matter how many pounds I’vegained with my daughter, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. She is the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received. I can only hope to experience that again in my future.
Plus size mommies, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please share in the comments below. If you’d like to join an online community of other plus size women who share advice, style tips and encouragement, I’d love for you to join my Facebook group, Thighs and Lows Blog Group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thighsandlows.
