I drive a 2016 Chrysler Town and Country minivan. Power sliding doors, DVD player, the very definition of “uncool”. On a whim, I took it to the car wash this morning. I planned to do a quick wash and head home, all done in thirty minutes or so. Two and a half hours later, I finally quit. You see, I had no idea how dirty my car was until I started cleaning it. I had become so used to the filth that I almost didn’t see it anymore.
As I was vacuuming the carpet and wiping the dash and chiseling crushed skittles from the backseat, I realized that my car isn’t the only thing that gets yucky without me noticing. The same thing happens to my heart. The layers of dust and dirt that had accumulated on my car were from months of use. I’m sure the first layer was pretty insignificant but as those layers built up, they became pretty disgusting. At any time I could have cleaned it, but instead I ignored it. I’m not sure I even made a decision to ignore it, I just didn’t decide NOT to. It wasn’t until I actually started to do the work that I realized how utterly repulsive it had become.
The same is true of heart work. We don’t even notice that first layer of ambivalence. It’s seemingly insignificant. But as layers and layers build up, it gets pretty disgusting. And we likely won’t even see how disgusting it has become until we start to do the work.
There was a moment this morning when I was scrubbing my car that I thought, “ugh, why did I even start this today?” I was hot and sweaty and feeling like I would never get finished. Everywhere I looked there were more crumbs and mud and dirt, but I just kept cleaning that next dirty spot.
Sometimes with heart work, when we see the enormity of the task, it can feel daunting and overwhelming. We can feel sad and discouraged and like the job is just too big. We must keep scrubbing the next dirty spot in our heart. We have to keep learning and unlearning and relearning and doing better.
When I first began to really dig into some heart work regarding racism in America, I had no idea what I was going to uncover. Let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. No one wants to have to face their own ingrained bias, but it’s an important part of the work. Once I was able to see my own racism, which had so easily been ignored by me (not deliberately, it was just easier NOT to see it and yes, I recognize the undeserved privilege I have that there is an option of “not seeing it” ), I felt compelled to point out others’ as well. Have you ever had someone write “wash me” into the dust on the back of your car? Did it irritate you? Turns out, telling someone their heart (or their car) is dirty, doesn’t go over well. One must be ready to do the work before they’re willing to be receptive to the fact that it needs to be done.
The single greatest resource for me in doing my own heart work on racism was the Be The Bridge group on Facebook. It’s a one stop shop for so many tools. I was able to be linked to helpful podcasts, videos, people, and essays to help shine a light on what I had become so good at turning a blind eye to. The moderators require you to complete 8 units of education as well as 90 days of silence, of ACTIVE LISTENING, before you’re able to post or comment. I’m grateful for those measures as they kept me safe from my own ignorance.
The final unit offers the following advice: “Don’t give up. This will be a hard, lifelong process. Take care of yourself. Find community. Take time out to disconnect and process. Abide in the Word. Pray. Laugh. Cry. Yell. Sit quietly. Sing. Dance. Remember that our hope is in Jesus, who is present, and sees all, and who grieves more deeply than you over racial oppression. Then come back and work hard again tomorrow. POC don’t get to step out of their skin and walk away the way we can. Remain, even when it’s harder than you imagined it could be, in solidarity.”
The thing is, my car is going to get dirty and will need to be cleaned again. It’s a constant process. So is the heart work. It’s not just a day or two, or month or two, or year or two of hard heart work and then I’m done, it’s a lifelong process. I’m going to mess up. I’m going to get frustrated, discouraged, burned out. I’m going to be humbled. But I’m going to keep showing up, keep doing the work, because it matters. A dirty car is gross, a dirty heart is inexcusable.
Read more of Abbie Mabary’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
