There’s been a lot of discussion lately about the “mental load” a mother carries for her family. These are all the unseen things she takes care of – doctor’s appointments, school obligations, maintaining her child’s social or familial relationships, and even forward-thinking planning far into the future. It encompasses making sure everyone has everything they need for every trip out of the house, whether it’s to the grocery store or to Disneyland. It involves carrying responsibility for her family’s health by planning and preparing healthy meals (and worrying about whether her child will ever eat veggies without gagging). It’s teaching life skills and social skills and housekeeping skills and hygiene skills and intentionally fostering resilience and planning for where the kids are going to go for the next school break.
It’s a heavy load, no doubt. So no wonder experts point to this “mental load” as a primary source of motherhood burnout and marital dissatisfaction. More than household responsibilities, this “mental load” is what’s sucking the joy out of motherhood, making us feel completely overwhelmed, and putting us at odds with our partners.
And mom, we’ve done it to ourselves.
We all take motherhood seriously. We all want the very best for our kids. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But we’ve elevated our motherhood status to idol, convinced ourselves that our way of parenting is superior to that of our partner’s, and held firm to the belief that if we didn’t do everything, nothing would get done.
I mean, sure. We’ll let our spouse have their way for an evening so we can enjoy a girl’s night out, but if we’re honest with ourselves most of us think that if we allowed our partners to parent “their way” for the majority of the time, it would be to our children’s detriment. Which is an incredibly sinful and prideful attitude.
This also leads us to carry the mental load because we don’t trust that our partners will do it as well as we do. But the truth is that if we want our partners to carry the mental load, we need to let them. And that means giving them real (not just token) responsibilities, and letting them fail – even if it negatively affects our kids for a season. Because that’s how they’ll learn.
The ability to carry the mental load is like a muscle. It needs to be developed over time. If I tossed this 200-pound mental weight I’ve been carrying across the living room to my husband, of course he’s going to drop it. But little by little, he’ll get used to it – as long as I don’t step in and take it back, or sit next to him with constant criticisms, reminders, or nagging that degrade his personal confidence in his own ability. He’ll feel the real weight, the real responsibility, and he’ll learn from his failures and rise to the challenge.
And then eventually, the mental load will no longer be only mine to bear.
Mom, if the mental load has you at the end of your rope, it’s time to share it. Be honest with yourself and admit that the mental load phenomenon is self-inflicted. Recognize that your unwillingness to give it to your spouse comes from a sinful need to control – to control your kids, your spouse, your family life, the future, or even your reputation. Remind yourself that your partner is a different person, and does things differently than you – and that’s okay.
Meanwhile, don’t get upset if a few balls get dropped. A school conference might not get scheduled. You might not bring a neatly-wrapped gift to a birthday party. Your kids might miss soccer for a season. They might not make it to the dentist every six months.
But none of these things really make a difference in the grand scheme of things, and they certainly aren’t worth your sanity. By allowing your partner to drop a few balls, they’ll get better at keeping them in the air next time.
Because if you want your partner to help carry the mental load, it’s simple.
You need to let them.
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A Mother’s Burden is Heavy, and It’s Not Fair
My Actions Told My Husband I Didn’t Trust Him
Read more of Kristina’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
