When you’re in the midst of child-rearing, it can feel like there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done. Between nurturing each individual child’s needs, refereeing fights, housework, cooking, and maybe even a full-time job, it can feel overwhelming. I remember thinking that if one more thing was added to my plate, I would just lose it.
And, then my parents began to age and I became part of the sandwich generation (when you’re still raising kids but you also have to help take care of your parents).
My parents were divorced and they each lived alone. They both had health conditions that made it hard for them to leave the house. And, to be perfectly honest, I resented their neediness. They hadn’t been particularly nurturing when I was growing up and right when I was in the midst of trying to raise my own kids, they wanted me to nurture them too.
And, no matter how much I did for them, it never felt like enough. Their needs seemed endless and I was made to feel constantly guilty that I wasn’t doing more. I vowed that I would never put the same demands on my kids’ time when I became older. I planned to be a free-spirited granny who would live her own life and not burden her children with guilt and neediness.
As per usual, that plan didn’t quite work out. I became ill with diseases similar to my mother’s. As I became sicker, it was harder for me to leave the house and suddenly I could see life through my parents’ eyes. I could feel for myself how lonely and helpless they must have been.
My kids are now the ones with crazy, busy lives and, from experience, I know that I don’t want to be a whining, old lady demanding their attention, pushing guilt on them and making them feel resentful that I’m asking for help. But, still I’m lonely for their company.
So, what’s the answer?
Here are some ideas for those who are raising kids and also have aging parents:
- Quick Visits – It’s amazing how just an hour visit from the grandkids can brighten a grandparent’s whole day. The kids don’t need to spend all day there, even a quick drop-by changes the course of an otherwise boring day.
- Treat Time – When one of my kids drops a coffee off for me from a drive-thru stand, I suddenly feel loved and important again. It lets me know they’re thinking of me without taking much time out of their day (this could be done with any little goodie).
- Texts and Videos – One of my daughters lives two hours away, but she sends me videos and pictures every day so I can feel like I’m part of her life. I love receiving them and I watch them over and over again.
- Facetime – My son lives all the way on the other side of the country. Facetime has been such a blessing. I’ve “toured” his apartment, seen his town, etc. Plus, just seeing his face makes me so happy.
- Conference Calls – Sometimes, one of my kids will initiate a video conference call. What fun to see everyone all at the same time. It’s like a party without leaving your home!
Those are some easy ideas on how to make your parents feel loved.
Now, to the aging parents, you have responsibilities in all this too! Here’s your list:
- Make It Easy – Try to adapt to your kids’ schedules so that they can drop by when it’s convenient for them and stay for as long or as short as they’d like.
- Be Prepared – Have a supply of drinks and treats on hand to make it more fun for your family to come and visit.
- Be Cheerful – Visits are not the time for complaining and whining. Since your goal is to see your kids more often, make it a pleasant experience for them.
- Be Appreciative – No matter how much or how little you see your kids, be appreciative of the time they do give you.
- No Guilt – This one should be shouted from the rooftops! During a visit to my mom, I was once met with, “Well, you remembered you have a mother.” Guess how badly I wanted to visit again. Yeah, not at all.
So, to all of you still in the midst of childrearing, I get that your life is busy and overwhelming. I really do. But, if your parents are physically or mentally unwell, remember that even a short visit from you means the world to them.
And, to all the lonely grandparents out there, you have responsibilities too. Before you jump into victim mode, make sure you’re doing all you can to make your kids want to come and see you.
If both sides do their part, you can actually create a win/win situation.
RELATED:
SANDWICHED: Balancing the Needs of Multiple Generations
Read more of Ann’s contributions to allmomdoes here.
