We all want the very best for our children, but it’s impossible to do everything right all the time. Admitting that is freeing – and it’s also encouraging to other moms in the midst of intense seasons. That’s the idea behind our Monday Mom Confessions and we’d love for you to join us – share your own confession in the comments below! Let’s throw off the weight of perfection and get real around here!
I grew up in the age of the Christian Sexual Purity movement. Purity rings, purity necklaces, purity ceremonies, purity pledges. I promised to stay sexually pure until I got married. And, I did.
But the results were disastrous.
By the time my husband and I got married, we’d become accustomed to suppressing our sexual attraction for the sake of maintaining “purity.” Sex on our wedding night was riddled with anxiety, disappointment, and – for me – lots of pain.
And the pain didn’t go away.
Even though I sought help, I was dismissed by doctors. More foreplay. More lubrication. More emotional intimacy. Despite both counseling and other practical interventions, my problem still wasn’t solved.
Five years and two babies later, I was finally diagnosed – and treated – for vaginismus. Vaginismus is both a physical and mental response to sex. The simple version is that your brain expects that sex will hurt, so your body uncontrollably tightens up, which of course makes sex painful and then reinforces the belief in your mind that sex is horribly painful. This becomes a Catch-22 and the painful sex cycle continues.
I am immensely grateful to have finally been diagnosed, treated, and healed. Sex is no longer painful. But after years of marriage and rote, obligatory, excruciatingly painful sex, the passion was robbed. And I don’t think it’s recoverable.
More tears have been shed than anyone can count. More prayers have been said than I can remember. And, despite finally being physically healed, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will never, ever know what “good sex” is like.
To be honest, I’m mad. I’m hurt. I’m broken. I’m disappointed. I feel completely cheated of that hot, newlywed, exciting, intense, anticipatory phase of marriage. I did everything right – I stayed pure – but I never got the benefits I was promised.
Other women made choices completely opposite of me, and they know what it’s like to love and enjoy the gift of sex that God created.
It’s not fair. I am angry.
Now I have three daughters, the oldest of whom is quickly approaching dating age, and I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to teach my girls that the gift of sex is God-ordained and something to be enjoyed while still reserved for the marriage bed. I don’t know how to teach them to embrace and appreciate their God-given sexuality, and to find a mate that lights their fire, while healthily suppressing it until they exchange their vows.
I just don’t know how it works – because it didn’t work for me.
Do I believe that sex is God-given and best reserved for marriage? Absolutely.
But, do I believe that maintaining pre-marital sexual purity is worth a lifetime of sexual dysfunction, disappointment, sexual struggle and diminished sexual fulfillment? I’m not sure.
I don’t know how to advise my girls. The sexual purity movement caused irreparable damage in my own life and marriage, and I don’t want them to experience the same.
Any advice for me?
What’s your Monday Mom Confession? Tell us in the comments!
Would you like to be featured on Monday Mom Confessions? We’re looking for guest writers; email us at comments@allmomdoes.com with your 1-2 sentence confession. If it’s approved you’ll be asked to write the full article and it will be published on allmomdoes!
