We’ve all been a part of small groups, either at school, work or church. And, every small group I’ve ever belonged to has had that one member who tends to dominate the conversation.
Recently, I met a friend for lunch. For weeks, she had been complaining about the talker in her small group at church and she had an interesting story to tell. That week, the subject matter was one that “Mrs. Talker” couldn’t relate to. She had zero life experiences to add to the material presented. Halfway through the meeting, she burst into sobs. When pressed, she admitted she was crying because she couldn’t think of anything to talk about (in reality, dominate the conversation).
It seemed her chatter went deeper than simple narcissism (although there is a psychological issue named: “conversational narcissism” and we probably all know someone who fits that description). So, I decided to delve deeper into the subject.
First of all, listening is much harder than talking. Do you know that when we talk about ourselves dopamine is actually released into our brain? No wonder people get addicted to over-talking. There is a saying that goes like this: Talking is like drinking a fine cabernet, Listening is like doing squats.
But, listening is a vital part of communicating. As author, Henning Menkell, wrote recently: “What differentiates us from animals is the fact that we can listen to other people’s dreams, fears, joys, sorrows, desires and defeats – and they in turn can listen to ours.” His words describe the ideal format for conversation: talking AND listening.
But, people who talk too much don’t seem to understand this balance. Why? There are lots of reasons. Asperger’s, ADHD and other mental differences can cause people to over-talk. Anxiety is another reason. Some people speak incessantly in order to avoid facing their own pain. And, yes, some over-talkers really are narcissists.
Chances are, the over-talkers most of us know from small groups have at least a chance to change their ways. First of all, group leaders are vital. I had a wonderful leader once who would simply say, “It’s time for someone else to have a chance to talk now.” It worked wonders. Our talker would shut up and look around in surprise, completely unaware of how much she’d dominated the room.
Church leaders can be more hesitant to do this because we’re supposed to be “compassionate”. But, there is nothing compassionate about letting a person go on and on after everyone has stopped listening and is driven to total frustration. Nor is it compassionate to rob others of the chance to share their own stories.
I have/had lots of over-talkers in my life. One gal used to yawn constantly whenever someone else was talking until it was her turn again (I had to back away from that friendship). Another friend literally crosses her fingers and rocks when I’m talking to remind herself of what she wants to say when it’s finally her turn again (ADHD).
I tried to retrain a friend who would start talking loudly before she even entered a room to ensure that she had the floor (whether anyone else was in the middle of a sentence or not). I interrupted her and she was not at all happy. She said loudly, “To finish my thought before I was so rudely interrupted!” And, I responded, “I have to interrupt in order to get a word in edgewise.” She pouted for the rest of the day, but at least I planted a seed (and she stopped talking for a while).
I would say that at least half of the over-talkers in my life know that they talk too much, which begs the question: Why don’t they change? Why can’t they be quiet at least some of the time and listen to others?
I may never know the answers to those questions and neither will they unless they choose to change.
If you recognize yourself as being an over-talker, remember this: listening takes practice and it can be really hard work. A listener has to be present in the moment and interested in other people and their stories. They have to calm their minds and be willing to focus on another person long enough to really hear what they’re saying. But, with practice, almost anyone can do it.
And finally, what does the Bible say about over-talkers?
Proverbs 18:2 – “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”
I don’t want to be a fool, especially in God’s eyes. So, I’m going to practice my listening skills even more than I already do.
(This open letter to over-talkers cracked me up. Enjoy!)
Read more of Ann’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
