As we approach Father’s Day, it always gets me thinking about the rocky relationship I have with my dad. That is not the only time of year I think about it of course. I know many of you can relate. If you don’t have that picture perfect father or maybe the dad of your kids turned out to be not so picture perfect, you are not alone.
I was in high school when my parents divorced. It was a long time coming due to my dad’s addictions to work, alcohol and probably other things my mom covered up. My mom overcompensated so that my older brother and I had more happy moments than many kids do amidst a parent suffering with addictions. My dad had times where he gave it his all. But those times were followed by his struggles.
From the outside, my life looked nearly perfect. And it was good. I don’t look back on my childhood with severe pain like many do. I was privileged with a lot of things like living in a nice house, going to a good Catholic school K-12th grade, having a mom who would literally do anything for myself and my brother.
But the outside is not everything and there are things that shaped me to be the person I am today. I try to make those positive things like always remembering that you never know what’s truly going on in a person’s life or what they might be bringing with them into school or the office that day from their life.
I vividly recall one day in high school after a night of being up too late due to my insisting that I join my mom as she again forced my dad into detox at the hospital. I told a classmate I was having a bad day and she responded,
Oh, what do you know
about having a bad day?
The crowd of people walking to class suddenly became a flurry and all I wanted to do was scream and cry and shout from the rooftops that I knew plenty about having a bad day.
But, instead, I just ensured the wall I had been building inside of me was extra tall that day and I carried on my way.
A few people at my Catholic school knew my struggles. But only those that I thought possibly could understand. There seemed to be more perfect families than broken so that wall followed me everywhere I went.
This wall has always been its highest when it comes to the direct relationship I have with my dad. My early 20’s continued to be full of many ups and downs with his addictions and I could never rely on him for anything other than a good story, should I dare to share it and risk people knowing my family wasn’t perfect. There came a point where I would become angry at my dad for anything that he did or didn’t do. I couldn’t even bring myself to hold a conversation with him without everything flooding back to me and knowing it was only a matter of time before another large disappointment reared around the bend.
I didn’t talk to my dad for 2 years because I thought that option was easier than the pain I was caused from our broken relationship. I got married in my mid-20’s and didn’t even tell him. That was the right decision for me at the time, but it is of course something that will forever hurt me. I know one day my kids will ask why my dad isn’t in any of our wedding photos and I don’t know how to even answer that.
After those couple years of not talking to him, I kept having this nagging feeling of, what if my dad died and I had never forgiven him?
The wall was a stable concrete at that point, almost incapable of being broken down.
I reached out to him.
Not long after that I had my first baby and within a couple of months, my dad was diagnosed with late stage colon cancer. I remember being so grateful that I had reached out to him. Even though our relationship was less than ideal, at least fear hadn’t come true that he would die, and I would never get the chance to talk to him.
My dad didn’t die. He, in fact, made a miraculous recovery largely due to amazing medical attention and an amazing surgeon.
It was then that I knew I had to forgive him. Not only for him but for myself as well. Forgiveness doesn’t equal forgetting, but I needed my heart to forgive him.
Our relationship grew from that experience. My wall remained but it softened.
Fast forward and my kids are now 10 and 13. My dad’s health hasn’t been great, but he is doing fine. He has a relationship with my kids. He comes to some of their games and swim meets and they love seeing him a few times a year. My dad is sober now, but he lost almost everything due to his addictions.
One thing he never lost was his faith in God. It is unwavering.
His relationship with Christ has helped our relationship to mend. I will never have the type of relationship with my dad that you see in the movies or that some of my friends have and probably don’t realize how lucky they are.
The relationship I have with my dad is the most that I am able to give, and I am ok with that. We never talk about the past and maybe a therapist would say we should but I honestly don’t see what value it brings. There are piles of hurt that he can’t take back or fix so all we do is move forward. I could never have gotten there if I didn’t find forgiveness. I have more of a relationship with him than I ever thought I would. My wall can never come completely down but man has it become smaller.
As we approach Father’s Day this year
I know that I was given my dad for a reason. And my experiences with him have made me stronger, more compassionate and more forgiving. I know that this was God’s plan. That was hard for me to see many years ago. God’s plan often works that way. I am thankful for my dad and that our faith in Christ has allowed our relationship to grow to where it is today.
If you are struggling through a relationship, you are not alone. Many of us carry hurt, walls and experiences that shape us. For me, I found that forgiveness and faith was key, but I also had to set realistic expectations and to protect myself in ways I thought was best. We cannot force a relationship to be something it isn’t going to be. That can be hard. But just know you are not alone. Keep that faith in God’s plan.
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