What We’ve Gotten Wrong (and Right) About Modesty, Part 1

Do you ever notice how parenting forces you to evaluate everything in your life? You can’t just take long-held beliefs or positions for granted anymore; you need to know why you believe them because someday a 2-year-old or a 6-year-old or a 14-year-old is going to ask you.

And “because I said so” just doesn’t cut it.

Or you say “because God says so” but then you wonder…does He really? Have I ever really taken the time to figure out what He actually says, or have I just internalized what other people have told me and never done the work myself?

Well, that’s where I am with the modesty debate.

Actually, that’s where I’ve been with the modesty debate for several years now but I finally decided to do a deep dive. Believe me, I have opinions. But even though I could talk for hours about what I think, I had to accept that I didn’t actually know.

So I listened and learned and read and studied. I consumed things that supported my position and things that I knew were wildly oppositional. And I took them in and listened with an open heart because if I was only going to pay attention to people who agreed with me, well, what was the point?

And that’s how this series was launched. Not because I have all the answers. I’m not a biblical scholar or theologian and I can’t read the texts in their original Greek. I’m just a mom trying her best to do right by her kids – both my son AND my daughter – and wanting to honor God in the process.

I’m not here to tell you what to do, just to share what I’ve learned and the conclusions I’ve come to. You may vehemently disagree with me, and I welcome the conversation. This is tough stuff. I try to be careful with my words, but I’ll probably accidentally say something cringe-y. So I ask for your grace and your feedback and your insight. Let’s tackle this topic together!

This series will have four parts:

Part 1– What does the Bible say about modesty?
Part 2 – The dangers of sexualizing non-sexual things
Part 3 – Unpacking “Don’t cause another to stumble”
Part 4 – Wrap-up/bringing it all together

So let’s just dive right in, shall we?

What does the Bible say about modesty?

The Bible talks a lot about character – which is definitely part of the conversation and I’ll cover that in a future article – but as far as directly addressing modesty of dress, there isn’t a lot. There are two primary passages people cite when talking about modesty:

8 I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling; 9 likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, 10 but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works. 1 Timothy 2:8-10

-and-

3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4

Contextually, neither verse is about showing skin. The 1 Timothy passage related to specific instructions during worship based on problems Timothy had encountered in the church. The passage in 1 Peter is about suffering for Christ, both in the context of governmental submission and marital/relational submission. It’s about rejecting the world’s standards of beauty and relying on your character to radiate true beauty.

Both are about beauty, excess, and the overt display of wealth (braided hair and gold jewelry were worn by the wealthy). They’re about relying on physical adornment for attention and identity. Yes, it’s entirely reasonable to consider too much skin to be done in the name of excess and beauty. But to define “modesty” as solely the display of skin while ignoring the prideful focus on external beauty that was the actual focus misses the point. To be a little cheeky (but also dead serious), I don’t know of any youth groups that ban bikinis for summer camp and also prohibit expensive sneakers. Modesty in most Christian organizations is viewed solely in the context of skin-baring.

In fact, many commentaries in the modesty debate completely overlook one “sin” in the name of another. Just do a quick internet search on how to dress modestly but attractively, how to be fashion-forward while staying covered up, or tips on putting together a modest (but beautiful) outfit. There are LOTS of tutorials out there. “Modesty” has become synonymous with “covering up,” while ignoring the clear warnings about being focused on outward beauty.

Now obviously this is complex and there are a lot of other factors at play. There’s a lot more to look at as we move forward, but specific modesty passages were a good place to start. Thanks for joining me on this journey!

What we got right: God does have something to say, and we should listen.

What we got wrong: Modesty is primarily classified as a sexual or body-baring issue, when it’s so much more than that. Promoting “modesty” while simultaneously giving “modest beauty tutorials” misses the whole point.

TELL US: What were you taught about modesty? How has your perspective changed throughout your life, and why?