Well, here we are – the conclusion of our deep dive into the complex issue of biblical modesty. If you’ve followed along with this whole series, thank you. And if you’ve felt like some of my thoughts were jumbled and confusing, you’re not wrong. In fact, one of the biggest conclusions I’ve come to is that this issue is not as straightforward as some would have us believe. If you’re just joining us read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 to catch up!
It was several years ago when I first decided to tackle this issue. I was a firmly body-positive mama who wanted to raise my daughter without subtle messages of shame. But then she’d come out of her room wearing a skirt she’d outgrown and I’d be taken aback by how short it was and tell her she had to go change. Meanwhile, I had a son who strongly preferred wearing rash guards to the swimming pool because he didn’t like being in public without a shirt.
So I found myself stuck in a confusing space. How could I affirm the beauty of a woman’s body but still feel there were limits? Had I done something wrong with my son to make him feel like his body needed to be covered, even in the context of a swimming pool?
I wrestled with this for years, talked about it ad nauseum with my girlfriends, and said I wanted to see what God had to say about it. But then I didn’t because – if I’m being honest – I was afraid that what I’d uncover would challenge me in ways that I didn’t like.
But I had to get courageous and finally dive in rather than avoiding Truth because I thought I might disagree with it. And here’s where I’ve landed after doing the hard work: Modesty isn’t a sexual or legalistic issue. It’s a heart issue. And also, there’s a contextual piece to modesty, too.
I’m still on Team Bikini. I don’t think that bikinis are inappropriate across the board. But if someone chooses to wear one on a shopping trip to the mall? Their body isn’t shameful. However, in context it doesn’t make sense. I can’t think of any scenarios in which someone would wear a bikini to the mall that wasn’t attention-seeking; it’s lacking the humility that’s a necessary part of the modesty conversation.
Similarly, if my daughter chooses to wear an outfit that strikes me as a little inappropriate, it should serve as a catalyst for further conversation rather than simply banning it. I can engage her in conversations about her heart on the matter: “Why do you want to wear a crop top?” “Is it because you want others to see your belly?” “Do you just think it’s cute?” “Is it important to you that other people think you’re fashionable?” “Why is that important to you?”
There’s no perfect way for these conversations to go. There’s no perfect way for these conversations to end. But as a mom, it’s about stepping into the uncomfortable conversations and walking through them with my kids. It’s about sitting down, letting them be heard, tackling the hard issues, and wading through the messy conversations.
It’s not easy. I mean, let’s face it – it’s easier to mandate and enforce concrete standards than try to teach inner restraint/motivation and dive deep into uncomfortable conversations and dissect uncomfortable concepts with our kids. Especially when those concepts aren’t black-and-white and, as adults, we don’t fully understand them either. Throw in the “don’t cause your brother to stumble” piece and it gets even more challenging. To be completely transparent, this is the most difficult aspect for me to process. But it seems like humility is also a big piece of that puzzle. Still, I wrestle with a Catch-22 here: The more we cover up, the more we sexualize non-sexual things. And the more we sexualize non-sexual things, the more “tempting” women’s bodies become.
For this reason, I also feel called to burn the candle from both ends. I feel strongly that I shouldn’t over-sexualize non-sexual things so my son doesn’t view beauty and body as a one-dimensional. I don’t mind him being exposed to {non-sexual} things that others with more traditionally-held views might view as inappropriate for the simple purpose of normalizing the human form. A graphic sex scene in a movie? No. Not appropriate. A woman in an underwear commercial? Honestly, I don’t care. It’s not sexual unless we, as parents, imply it’s sexual. Extrapolating things to the ends of the earth is exhausting and harmful to both our women and our men.
A woman simply being attractive, or having body parts that we’ve culturally sexualized, isn’t necessarily immodest. Like many things from the Bible, we’ve taken principles and used them to serve our convenient earthly purpose. Is it reasonable to extrapolate that God cares about our dress? He does, but not in the way traditional modesty conversations have insisted. Instead, we’ve taken our fears of an over-sexualized culture and put “modesty” as the gatekeeper – even though it was never intended to be used so specifically and one-dimensionally.
But hear this: Just because this is where I’ve landed doesn’t mean it’s where I think you should land, too. I don’t want you to read through this series and agree with everything I’ve said. Instead, I want you to evaluate everything you’ve internalized about modesty, dive deep into what God has to say for yourself, read commentary from wise teachers who both affirm your position and challenge it, and earnestly seek how He wants you to approach it in your life.
If, after you do the hard work, God has spoken to you about strict, specific clothing guidelines, then by all means follow them. Again, my goal is not to convince you to completely “let loose.” It’s to help you realize that modesty is more than following fashion restrictions, but maintaining an overall stance of humility. But conversely if we’re covering up because we’re ashamed of or hate our body, that’s not God-pleasing, either (Eph 5:29). I’m drawn to this passage about co-existing as believers who don’t necessarily share the same views:
As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand. –Romans 14:1-2
At the end of the day, here’s the thing: following God isn’t always easy. Sometimes He gives us clear guidelines, and other times we’re forced to tease out His preference by wading through cultural nuances and deciphering contextual clues. When we look at the issue of modesty, we’re dealing with both.
What we got right: God has something to say about modesty, and we should listen.
What we got wrong: That there are clear, prescriptive standards we need to follow. Modesty is more of a heart issue than a sexual or skin-baring issue, and we need to each examine our own hearts when choosing our own dress – and coaching our kids to examine theirs instead of prescribing sweeping legalistic standards without spending just as much energy helping understand the why (in a healthy way that respects the God-created beauty of both sexes).
Has this series encouraged you to take a new look at how you approach modesty? Where do you land on the modesty issue?
Related verses for further reflection:
1 Cor 6:19-20: Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
Prov 31:30: Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Prov 11:22: Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.
1 Sam 16:7: But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
