I’ve recently become acquainted with fear. I’m not a fan. Fear’s first cousin, anxiety, has been hanging around too. I don’t like him either.
I can’t say that I’ve never experienced fear or anxiety. Each has visited often enough over the years that I recognize them when I see them. That feeling of not being able to get a deep breath: anxiety. The narrative of “what if” swirling in my head all the time: fear. I have had brief encounters in the past, but lately they just won’t leave. This is new territory.
Historically, the few times that I have felt anxious have crept up unexpectedly and tend to occur when I have little or no control. What I’ve learned about myself is that if I choose the thing, I feel empowered. If it is thrust on me, I can get overwhelmed.
This current season of global health fear definitely caught me off guard. I didn’t have time to weigh the pros and cons. I didn’t have the choice to opt out. It just appeared and didn’t go away and it has pretty much overwhelmed me. That feeling of not being able to get a deep breath happens multiple times throughout the day. And although I recognize it for what it is: anxiety, not an actual heart attack, I’m unable to just make it go away.
I usually like to wait for a season to be over to try and pick it apart and see what worked and what didn’t and what I can learn from it. But this time I’m evaluating mid-season. Instead of looking in the rear view mirror, I’m monitoring things in real time. What is working right now to keep my head above water? Here are the things I’ve found helpful amid this season of fear and anxiety: fresh flowers, hot tea, Stress Relief anything from Bath and Body Works, the new prescription of Xanax that I am carrying in my purse and haven’t yet taken but I feel empowered that it’s there if I need it, and scripture.
That last one, scripture, has been pretty big for me. I have not, in fact, spent a lot of time pouring over the Bible in the last weeks. Working full time and trying to figure out how to kind of homeschool my four kids has pretty much filled up my minutes. But, I have a long established routine of doing daily scripture writing and I have not abandoned that. Sure, I get behind sometimes but I always make it a point to go back and catch up.
I pull monthly lists from here and spend a few minutes each day writing them out. This process has always been how I learn best. When I was in school I would write and rewrite my notes over and over to commit them to memory and make them stick. So when I discovered these monthly scripture writing plans, they felt familiar and good. And never more so than right now. When I pull out my journal and my pens and my bible, I can breathe deep.
There have been two specific scriptures that have been comforting to me over the last month. What I love about them is that they acknowledge the hard. They don’t discount it. They say “big, hard, heavy, challenging, SCARY things will come, but you’ll survive”. I mean, that’s how I interpret them anyway. Here’s what they actually say:
Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
I hope that you, too, can find a measure of peace during this strange season. If you’re struggling with fear and anxiety like me, take a few moments and consider what things bring you comfort and lean on those. If your anxiety is getting out of control, call your doctor and don’t feel shame in doing so. If you’re having trouble finding comfort, try reading or writing scripture or meditating for just a few moments on the scriptures I shared here. Acknowledge that this season is hard, but with God, we’ll make it through.
