There are a few tips that I always give to new moms asking for advice. Note, the asking piece is important. We have all fallen victim to that unsolicited advice from a co-worker or a stranger while innocently standing in line at the grocery store. I recall on more than one occasion having to just nod and smile while given advice on the right way to do this or the wrong way to do that. I like to think the people on the other end at least mean well, even though it is just plain annoying at times.
But when asked, I am more than happy to dive into some things that I think worked well for me as a new parent. One of those things is that I found community in other new moms. I have said on several occasions that I honestly don’t know what I would have done were it not for those relationships I had when I became a new mom. It’s not always easy to find mom friends that you really click with and I recognize that.
What I tell new moms is to keep putting yourself out there to find that community. For me, that came through joining groups at church. It wasn’t the very first group I joined. It took a few to find my fit. It will look different for everyone but I think having friendships with women in our same stage of life can be life-saving in many ways. It makes us know we are not alone and it gives us someone to laugh and cry with; sometimes within the same few minutes. For me, it also gave my babies other babies to socialize with at a very early age. The moms could talk and commiserate while the babies hung out drooling and rolling around on the floor.
GettyImages | Eclipse Images
I was thinking the other day about my friendships and how they have shifted right along with my own life shifting as my kids get older and changes naturally happen in all sorts of ways.
Before I had kids, my husband and I had a group of friends we would regularly hang out with. When I got pregnant, I wasn’t really looking for new friends but I found myself wanting to connect with others who were in that same stage. The ladies I was closest to in that group were not yet having kids so our relationship shifted as I started getting closer with other people I knew or met who were moms-to-be. It didn’t mean I stopped hanging out or started cutting off friendships, but it did mean that things shifted. I found myself doing things like pregnant mom walks instead of other weekend activities I used to do. I was careful to maintain the friendships I had but allowed new relationships to also grow.
The group of women I have talked about dozens of times over the years here on All Mom Does are the ones I would describe as my tribe. The ones I met via a church group 13+ years ago having no idea God had brought us together with a great purpose to help each other survive many years of mom-hood and marriage together. I thank God often for bringing them all into my life when He did.
But even those relationships have shifted. When our kids were babies through pre-school, we got to call the shots on who their friends were and what their schedules looked like. Fast forward years later and our firstborns are now teenagers. They have their own friends, they are busy with sports and other extra curriculars that we no longer can pick and choose what time practices and games occur on. Our kids are still dependent on us but are starting to safely practice spurts of independence.
For myself and some of my girlfriends in that “tribe”, we began building connections with other moms through school and sports. After all, those are the moms you end up seeing the most as it becomes more and more challenging to carve out time for the friends you don’t happen to see multiple times a week at extracurriculars or that don’t live in your neighborhood.
So, again another shift occurred.
It doesn’t mean that I have not maintained those friendships but they definitely have changed. Not in some dramatic way. Just in a sort of slow and natural way. Some of us have stayed closer than others which could be a combination of many things. Our lives maintaining on somewhat similar paths, our kids staying connected as they get older and choosing to be friends. But regardless the reason, none of the shifting was ever anything more than seasons of mom-hood leading to change.
We have had to be really intentional about staying connected and actually just recently had a mom’s night out, which we had not done in an entire year together. But it’s like we pick right back up where we left off because of all the history we have together and our desire to maintain those friendships.
GettyImages | Delmaine Donson
But we have all also been intentional about allowing other friendships to develop and we don’t grieve that ours have shifted. We have a strong bond that will always be there but life doesn’t look like it did 13 years ago.
If you find yourself with friendships that are shifting, don’t look at it as a negative thing. Work to maintain those that are important but give yourself grace that change is going to happen. It’s ok if you outgrow friendships too. People can come into our lives at certain times when God knows we need them but that doesn’t mean it’s a forever relationship.
Allow yourself to grow new friendships because those will be important as your kids grow and as you grow as a parent and as a person. Building a community of old friends and new can be such a blessing.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
RELATED:
- Why You Need Mom Friends
- Maintaining Friendships
- Advice from Strangers
- Words Matter: Working Moms are “Blessed,” Too
- How I Found My Tribe
- Mom Bullies
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Read more of Stephanie’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
