I used to think that there was only one way to worship God.
It seemed like all the women around me had it figured out: They were chronically optimistic. They looked for the blessing in every situation and smiled through life’s pain. They quoted scripture verses and had the perfect one for every situation. They arose before their family and spent at least an hour in Bible-reading and prayer.
I couldn’t seem to match up to those standards and so I did what I could: I faked it.
I smiled through depression and anxiety. I hid any big issues I had. When someone shared a scripture verse, I would quickly reply, “Oh, yes, that’s one of my favorites too.” I once forgot my Bible at church, and I felt humiliated when a lady found it and kept it safe for me. When she returned it, I exclaimed, “Oh, there it is!” when in truth I hadn’t missed it at all that week.
And, through it all, I felt “less than”, less than those other women and certainly less than what God would want from me. It was a miserable way to live. But, no matter how hard I tried, I could not live up to those standards I thought were necessary to be a “good Christian”.
I do smile through my pain even though I am so sensitive to others’ problems that sometimes the world overwhelms me. I have never been good at memorizing verses, in fact, I am horrible at it. Things pop into my head and race back out again. I never managed to get up hours before my family. I’m one of those people who needs her sleep, or she feels physically ill.
After I was hit with a catastrophic illness, I had all the time in the world to talk to God and, more importantly, to listen. It turns out He had a lot to tell me about how to serve Him.
I sobbed to Him about how I couldn’t keep up with other people, about how tired I was and how broken I felt from trying. His responses always shocked me, “So?” was the first one.
“But, Father, I can’t quote scripture and read and pray for hours at a time and I am even too tired to smile anymore.”
“What can you do?” He asked.
“Well, I can’t quote scripture at a moment’s notice, but I do love hearing others do it. I can’t focus for an hour of studying and praying, but I can do it in shorter spurts. I am also a great listener and hugger. I love to show love to strangers and I can sense when others are in pain.”
“Why are you discounting those things? Why aren’t the gifts I did give you “enough”?” God said.
Such a good question. Talking and listening to my Father helped me appreciate the fact that we are each unique and wired in very different ways. I had to ask myself if God had made a mistake when he created us that way.
Instead of guilt (my companion for so long) I felt a bit of shame that I had ignored what I HAD received from Him. It took some more work, but I finally valued my way of worshipping and honoring Him. We aren’t all the same, so why did I think we all had to show our faith in the same way?
If you too are feeling “less than” and like you don’t measure up, please stop. You are perfectly created by a perfect Father. If you can study the Bible for hours at a time, by all means do that, but don’t feel bad if you can’t. Search for your unique gifts and celebrate those.
I promise you, you are wonderful, just the way you are.
I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. 1 Corinthians 7:7
