This past fall, on my kids’ first day of school, there was another big milestone in our house: I went back to a traditional, full-time, out-of-the-house-5-days-per-week job. And on that day, there was a seismic shift in our family that I didn’t expect.
I lost my role as the default parent.
Now, I’m no stranger to working motherhood. I’ve done it before. I knew there would be some changes. As a new employee without banked leave time, I knew my husband – with the long-term job, work-from-home flexibility, and months of vacation leave on the books – would become the go-to person for parent-teacher conferences, orthodontist appointments, and other events that happened during the work day. But I still thought I’d be one managing it all. I’d be delegating the things I couldn’t do while still carrying most of the weight.
Turns out, I was wrong.
Take this recent exchange, which happens on a near-weekly basis:
Me: “I saw an email from your teacher today. I think you’re supposed to show me something so I can sign it?”
Kid: “Nope! I already had Daddy do it!”
And, no doubt, there’s a lot I’m missing these days. I don’t get before-school photos on spirit days, I don’t get to volunteer in the classroom, and I’m 100% certain there are important things I’m unaware of because I don’t read all my emails or newsletters or other forms of communication. But instead of lamenting those things, I’m celebrating something else.
My husband has stepped into the default parenting role, and he is rocking it.
He’ll make the kids a hot breakfast before school. He’ll drive up to pick up our son from school on rainy days so he doesn’t have to come home water-logged. I’ll pull into the driveway after work only to find a group of kids in our house because he organized a playdate. He’ll toss a load of laundry into the washing machine mid-day, run to the store to grab a Gatorade to bring to our son’s sporting event, help our kids pull together random things they need for school, help with homework, and prompt them to do chores when they need to be done.
Is he doing things the same way I would? No.
But is he doing them in a way that’s inferior to the way I would? Also, no.
Sure, we have different thresholds for things like screen time, junk food, and set routines. But in letting go of controlling those things (and keeping my mouth shut when things don’t meet my personal standards) I’ve realized how great he is at default parenting – and how great it is for the kids, too. Yes, I still carry plenty of the “mental load,” but I’ve also come to realize that I’m not quite as indispensable around the house as I thought I was – and also that my husband isn’t nearly as incapable as I thought he was.
That last part sounds horrible to say out loud, but I do think a lot of us believe deep down that if we completely relinquish control, appointments will get forgotten, things may go off the rails, and the kids will somehow suffer. But I’m here to tell you – that’s not necessarily true. (And even if some things DO get forgotten and your kids experience some disappointment, it’s probably not as big of a deal as you think it is.)
Letting go of my role as the default parent has been freeing. It’s given me a new level of respect for and trust in my husband. It’s forced him to grow as a parent and a person. It’s shown the kids that we are both 100% their parent – and neither is more capable than the other.
And it’s humbled me a bit, too.
Am I sad at some of the things I’m missing these days? A little.
But the good things that have come from this unexpected parenting role-swap are far, far greater.
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Read more of Kristina’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
