I’m good at a lot of things in parenting. But I’m NOT good at a lot of things, too.
And things that look like successes in my house may look like failures in another’s.
Case in point: I’m really good at letting my kids make messes in the name of creativity and leaving those messes so my kids can keep building on their creativity instead of having to clean up after a couple of hours.
This photo is an example of our front room.
The disaster you’re looking at is a game my daughter made up and worked on for hours. And I let my front room look like this for three days so we could play it. {Complete with embedded dog hair that desperately needed to be vacuumed up.}
But I’m also in awe of the mom who keeps a tidy house and would never tolerate this mess. That’s a win, too. Teaching your kids to keep things neat and be bothered by the clutter? I have NO IDEA how to do that, and I desperately wish I did.
Nobody can EVER parent perfectly. It’s just not possible. There are too many dichotomies that are BOTH wins.
My kids don’t have a bedtime because I’m terrible at routines. They’re also super flexible because I’m terrible at routines. They know how to clean a bathroom and do their laundry, but often wait too long to do either because, again, I’m terrible at routines.
My kids aren’t exceptional in sports or music or any other activity. They don’t have any special skills. I have a lot of guilt about that. But on the flip side, they’re content with a slow, quiet, unhurried life.
I’m good at not yelling. But I’m not good at setting strict rules. I’m good at not sweating the small stuff. But I’m not sure how to prepare them for the big stuff. I’m good at not spoiling my kids with material things. But I’m not sure I’m good at spoiling them with affection. I’m good at limiting screen time. But I don’t think I’m teaching them good technology self-management. I’m good at making them independently responsible for their schoolwork and not micromanaging their education. But I also think I’m far too uninvolved and have almost no idea what’s going on in their classrooms.
The longer I’ve been a parent, the more it’s become clear: I can’t parent from my deficits. And the more I try, the more I’ll feel like a failure. The more I set up chore charts I never follow through with or try to establish a strict bedtime I forget to enforce or set a “perfect summer schedule” that goes by the wayside on Day One because I want us to have a spontaneous picnic on the beach, the more I’ll feel terrible because I’m just not doing those things “right.”
But when I parent from my strengths, I can feel successful. I can celebrate the fact that my daughter didn’t ask for screen time for a whole weekend because I let her make a huge mess while she created her game. I can be grateful that we can have a sit-down dinner together each night because our weeknight schedules aren’t full. I can feel proud that my kids are independent enough that nobody will blame me if they forget to bring their lunch to school or they run out of pants because they waited too long to do laundry.
Now, that’s not to say I can’t try to improve in certain areas – for both my sake and my children’s. Our kids need to see us trying to do better. But if I’m measuring my success as a parent by the things I already know I don’t do well…I need to change the measuring stick I’m using. Because mom, there are successes on both sides of every coin. Other moms’ strengths and successes don’t matter in your family. Only yours.
Do you focus so much on your failures that you miss all of your successes? What strengths do you need to start parenting from?
